#1 - #1: Happy New Year

It has been an emotional and strange new year. I have realised something... namely this... it was something I wrote to the Lizards... about a terrible pain I had to go through. But go through it I did and this was the result.

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I have now realised that will have forever have to b sucking up the fucking chaos which peter will continue to bombard me with. For as long as he is alive i will have to accept this is the reality. However what i must not let it do is destroy my relationship with my sons. On the one hand yes it is true i had to give up so much to raise the boys n now he just fucks off and does his own thing.  On the other hand i have had countless innumerable irreplaceable moments with them and i always told myself that money can never buy time and my time with my sons has been more precious than gold.  That was what i was doing... spending every moment i could with them until those moments ran out because they grew up became independent n moved on. The time i had with them when i could have it i m so grateful for. The boys r going to face more challenges as life goes on and i m going to have to b there for them and i m going to b damned if i ever ever ever let Peter and his perverted and deluded sense of what a life is what being a parent is get in the way. I thought it would b over when i divorced him. It is now clear that as long as he still has a single breath in his irrelevant lungs i m going to have to contend with his torture by proxy. Whatever happens i have raised two incredible boys and the time we had was so precious n i will fight to continue to b there always for them. Nothing in all the universes will ever prevent that. I had a wobble but i m now back. It has been a tough three days but it is the new year. And it is going to b a good one. Love to all of u. May 2022 bring us all the warmth kindness good fortune n love we deserve in spades  x

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My sons will continue to need me - and I will continue to be there for them for as long as they do. Just like I was there for them when they cried in the middle of the night, just as I was there for them when I created a life which was meaningful and full of beauty, just like I was there for them when made sure that they stood strong in their sense of self.

I must write about this and I will no longer write about it anymore because it is done... as Christ said.

So this.

The FUCKING JOKE of him making Jim buy him a house beside us, in front of the school 'for Ghin'. If he REALLY was going to step up to the plate to be a dad for either of the boys he would have done it by now. But he has not. The gesture is empty and facile. Suddenly he wants to be part of their lives - and in a letter to the boys wrote that he could not do this because I was such a terrible person and made him all confused, etc. So confused that he had to find a woman from another continent who was thrity years younger than himself and knock her up, then not tell us, move her into the family home without letting me know and then make me have to threaten to go to court to get him out. As I have said on multiple occasions, Peter is the President of Planet Chaos. My time with him in any more lifetimes is DONE AND OVER. I am no longer going to have to carry whatever fucking karma he has going. I am now DONE. It is over.

I suppose it was good that I had to confront this. If Oisin had never had to do this I may have lived in a very soft a lovely land of idealism. But life is not about idealism. It is about having to face up to the injustice. But I was then made to remember that really, I spent all that time with the boys and Peter WFT was he doing? Just kidding himself. Well good for him. 

Those moment in the past with the boys I counted each and everyone of them then. Taman Negara, Prego, The Bay Tree, The North Coast... and Peter can try and tear it all down by his perversion of who I am as a mother - oh yes, on many many an occassion telling me what a horrible mother I was, but he will never NEVER destroy the truth of the time I spent with the boys. What I did for them - and only for them.

Such a strange heartfelt entry. I did not expect that. But I will no longer write about Peter because he is a has been. Has always been. It didn't always have to be that way, but that is the path he choose. And it has been entirely his choice. I no longer will look back in anger nor frustration nor injustice. It is all now done.

It is done.

Happy New Year.