#20 - #20

It has been a long slow road to recovery. A road which has been filled with questions and frustrations. Self doubt and frustration. Both at the outer world and at myself. This has not been helped by the discombobulation. How can I describe it? It has been like... being unable to prioritise anything. What comes first? I cannot tell you. Yet there is so much to do and the feedback loop them goes into a downward spiral not helped by a lingering limping sickness. 

However today after I heard this semi interesting and mostly annoying podcost by this person interviewing Zach Bush, I said to myself, what exactly am I doing with my life? Why is this happening to me? Then I realised that what I needed to do, in every instance I moved forward, but without knowing this, was because I moved towards things which gave my life meaning. As long as my life had meaning that was the thing which I worked with the best. If I understood why I was doing what I was doing I would be alright.

This applied to everything I did - like my studies in geography, in subjects I didn't care very much about which I had to study for exams. I looked past the exam and at the subject and that is how I did my very best. Which was clearly good enough.

And I must once more do this to myself, for myself. It is no longer about that outward gazing but an inward movement. Once more motivated by the thing which I must find meaning with.

So here goes nothing.

Just before I put down the meanings... I want to say that really the world is currently, at the moment, full of crap. Between the idiotic parties and the chaos around Covid, the obsession and accumulation of gross wealth it has been mental. But I must look past all that because it will drive me insane. I must once more did what I did in order to stay true to myself. I must once more put on the blinkers and say that these things mean nothing. A car that can change its colour??? Nothing. A degree in a university with status. Nothing. Designer clothes. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. All these things are maya. What at the things which really mean something to me. And then fight for them.

My sons mean everything to me. But they are also passing from my life. The things which I used to do to look after then now mean less and less. I do not know what they want really. They want fancy things I think... but what do they really want? For now the only thing I can think about is my unlimited love. That is all I can give them. Beyond that, not a lot else. 

Steiner education means everything to me. And I am going to hang in there. I am really going to do that. I am going to focus and work hard with Steiner education like I have never done before.

Then Forest School. Forest School because I love it. Although I don't know if the model is one which I can believe in just yet. I need to rearrange it a bit more.

Then my health and exercising. And then my art. And my writing. These are the things which give my life meaning and Jesus Christ could I not have taken those bloody supplements earlier? I took them until Christmas then I went to ground. 

I have to tell you that the brain fog is off the scale. I'm going to have to watch it really. So what should I do? I should do everything but I should do it slowly. Slowly and easily will do it. God it is good to get that sorted. I will start running again this weekend. Everything will be done tomorrow. By close of play tomorrow. I said to Ghin it has been only a month since I got Covid and it feels like it has been forever. What are you talking about mom, he said. It feels like it was last week.

The things which took place over the past month have been exhausting and depressing. But I am coming back. I have never dealt with the ennui of the New Year, however I know what it is about now. January is the month of review, the month of going to ground. The month of rest and walking and staying hibernated and some thought and preparation. A time of grey placid dreams. That is January.