#19 - #19

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Well it is crazy season now. Everyone I know is in a superbad mood with each other. Communications are up the left and people are honestly just having the worst time ever. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I hope this will pass.

I never thought that I would consider going back to Singapore, but what I did not count on was the depth of feeling I would have with Ma and Pa getting older. It would not be immediately of course, but it is now the seed of thought, of possibility. I can see that Ma is struggling trying to navigate life's changes. It is so so hard. I wonder if it will pass or if it will just stay the same and gradually just get harder until it does not exist any longer. What I do not want to happen is to regret should the moment come when nothing - no gold nor all the tea in China would bring that moment back again.

If life is to be lived, it should have as little regret as possible. Regret only ever takes place when courage is not engaged. If you fully pass up on the chance, in complete awareness then you have no regret. But if you live that life have lived... is a life lived in fear.

I did not do that. I did not live a life in fear.

That I know. It would be weird though coming back to Singapore after 25 years! Astonishing. Also climate change will be a complete bitch in Singapore. 

Honestly unlike my move here which was done with the energy of spite and anger, this decision will be done with circumspection. I don't know if I COULD live in Singapore. I mean Singapore itself has changed - I'm not sure if it has changed for the better or worse. The same stupid people are in charge - but then the same stupid people are in charge all over the world and it is very small and full of people. I don't know. But then there is Ma and Pa. And I cannot imagine Pa in a nursing home at all. Nor in the care of a maid. Without seconds he would have gotten into the car and crashed it. It would be utterly pointless. 

The entire system is completely fucked up. I don't know what exactly is the point of life.

Especially this kind of half life.

People are really stupid. I am done with stupid people. 

Just listening to the Tories maneuver is worse than revolting. The UK is fucked. It is finished. We are all finished. I don't know. There is no better. Corruption is everywhere. And no one can be arsed to do anything about it. Everyone is completely hopeless. The mindset and the selfishness is unbearable.


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