#5 - #5

The trope of the well behaved woman.

It is interesting isn't it? The trope of the well behaved whatever. In this entire world, good behaviour, compliance is seen as desireable. The suck it up. The put up with it. The be polite. The 'civil'. If you are not then you are - take your pick - difficult, insane, uncivilised, unmanageable. Most of all, you are dangerous. You are dangerous because you are unpredictable. You are dangerous because you cannot be relied on to play the game. 

I have never been much of a game player in a game in did not understand or which I thought was pointless or worse still dangerous. Sadly in this world, we can look to these kinds of games. Currently Squid Game is the game which we all play. The Zero Sum winner take all. It is interesting that given the choice people would rather play the Squid Game than take their chances in the world outside. The world outside where they are in hell. With no money and no prospects. Where they have done compromising things to get to where they are. Where actually in trying to comply they have put themselves outside the pale of society. And this is the irony of it all - the game of compliance is abusive. There is always those who make up the rules and it does not matter how much you do, you will be made to comply. Until you cannot anymore and then become an outsider. This is when you have outlived your usefulness.

I was thinking of the novel Raise the Red Lantern. And then of all the women who have had to put up with abusive men in our history. We have completely internalised this dynamic and it is so strong that it does not matter what we do, we will end up tying ourselves up in knots in order to play the game. 

I did this. I played the game and I still ended up the loser. This is probably what frustrates women so much that two things happen - they either become bitter and lose all sense of themselves and their purpose - or they end up capitulating and 'accepting' the bastard in their life. Either way you are still playing the game and you are still helping the overlords to win.

There is only ever ever ever one option - and that one option is to develop yourself. To undergo that journey. To be at all times your own person and to be - inadvertently uncontrollable. 

That is why I posted what I did on facebook yesterday. It started off the post about 'better to ask forgiveness than permission' which was abused constantly. And then the gaslighting. But it then moved on to what I had been writing about which was not having to be friends with the ex. I did this because of all the generational 'good girl' which we women have had to put up with. The socialisation which said that we were forever to be the doormat to the fucking manor house. I wrote what I did and elicited a 'hell yeah' from so many women. And all women of a certain age. Women who have in their later part in life been fucked over by men and who went yeah why should we? We give ourselves permission to be happy with our feelings and our pain. Forgiveness is overrated especially when it has been used as a stick to beat you with. I have never agreed with the forgive and forget trope. Never. Move on, sure. Especially if we are going to build a better tomorrow for the kids. But really am I supposed to forgive someone - especially when they have decided to reopen wounds by as Anthony said so beautifully 'twat-parking' in my face? No. Also my lesson has been never never EVER let your guard down. Never. The electric fence stays up because the bastards will take the mick. 

So that's me for the win then. That's why I wrote what I did. The badly behaved woman, the harridan, the strident female, the troublemaker, the pot stirrer, the one who will make sure that you are held feet to fire. This is who I am. The truthtelller. And if this means that I walk this road on my own without a man as a lifepartner, so be it. I would rather do this than live the lie of compliance. Live free than colonised. Live on my terms rather than the gangrenous compromised life. I have seen these women who have 'accepted' these men in their lives. I can think of three women of my mother's generation who have done this off the top of their heads - accepted the other women and children and stayed around to 'make themselves useful' to still find meaning in their lives. It is so sad, so awful, so broken. It is not going to happen to me.

And saying so publicly gives other women the right to do that - to put up the boundary, to put up the fence. One more thing - this entire stupid idea that you should do this for the children is a load of bollocks. HE NEVER DID IT FOR THE CHILDREN WHY SHOULD YOU? He just lived his own life and you - you had to just be there for the kids. Well sometimes I get so annoyed that I have to remind myself that I was there for the kids because time only runs in one direction. I did not do it so that in the future the kids would see what a shit he is. I did it because one day I knew they would grow up and I would have run out of time with them, but I had a wonderful time with them when I could and of course they had to have someone there - to make sure they grew up beautiful and strong. And for all those reasons I was there. I did not run off - they were not HIS children. They are my children and more mine that his and of that I made sure that while I had to and I could I was there 2000% and did it joyfully. And that is all that matters. What happens now I cannot control. Unlike him who is trying to do that now, I relinquish this because I had all the wonderful time I had with them.