#21 - #21

It has been a much better two days. I have to accept the fear or anxiety over the seriousness of Covid was there when I did catch it, but really, as I had thought it wasn't a huge deal for me. Much worse was the having to not see anyone at all and that was awful. To be left alone with your self doubt. This is what relationships do. They help you to see yourself, the best self. That was tough. 

But yesterday as I was lying down, I did think, as I wrote previously, that life was about finding meaning and in so many ways I ran autopilot. This made things very difficult. I no longer want to do this now - run autopilot.

Covid is now coming to an end. A chaotic experiment which has basically managed to get people to question everything. I refuse to say narrative anymore because it is an overused word. There is such a thing as an overused word. But yes, the upshot of all this is... I wonder if people have these fanatical tendencies in them anyway and it is about what triggers it. Vinay Prasad and ZDogg talk about the alt-middle that was the first time I heard that word used. I am the radical middle. The middle which questions everything.

Jay Battachara is now being rehabilitated, as is the Great Barrington Declaration. I wonder when people look back on this insanity, how do they justify themselves to themselves. Most latestly Dr John Campbell has said that the FOI shows - since last month, very quietly - that deaths from Covid are now the order of magnitude up to 9 times overblown. It may well be more. The average age of death is 85.9 years. Which means that the people who died - men died OLDER and women at the age of life expectancy. It is now shown that masks are ineffective - weirdly only one mask trail was ever conducted in Bangladesh - and the vaccines are now more or less ineffective against Omicron. The WHO have come out to say that infinite boosting is not an option.

I cannot tell you how much science was never used. Worse still how actually we still don't know what to do should a pandemic of truly terrible proportions hit us. Say - well it will never happen - but say a natural virus arises which is as deadly as they say Covid was. We would be fucked because we still don't know how to deal with the virus.

The best preparation for such an event is sustainability - community - co-operation. It is literally the solution to everything. To EVERY SINGLE THING. And also facing death in a truly intelligent way. Facing death in a compassionate way. It is seeing death as a liberator, not an oppressor. I wonder what this constant need to hammer the planet in order to create the life for one person is. It is literally neurotic. 

And that was what the pandemic was - pure neurosis. 

It is interesting to hear John Campbell, VP and ZD talk about Covid now. They were utterly terrified of it. They were Covinians themselves. What changed their minds? I think that Vinay had always questioned the medical establishment so he was skeptical always. I wonder what made John Campbell and ZD change their minds? Was it the adverse reactions to the vaccines? Was it the irrational coverage by the mainstream media. 

It has been interesting listening to these MEN talk about their own journeys. I have never listened so much to men. They are mostly scientists - I was listening to Zach Bush yesterday. I have noticed though that as soon as they stray from their subject - the science which they are great at looking at from their perspective and wander into mythology, story, they are dreadful. They really cannot do philosophy at all. They sounds like well read teenagers when they start doing it. Like New Agers. I sort of think, stick to what you know. Like Zach Bush talking about the Earth possibly being the Heart Chakra of the cosmos and that's why we are so important. Why does it have to go to places like that? Why can we just not be important because we are important. Like we have to seek external validation from some kind of outside force we can never know it is mental. Rely on your own concrete experience. The time tested and time honoured tradition of trying and failing and succeeding. 

What I have really discovered from life is that I will forever be poking around in the mud. I will never EVER be able to say, yeah I have arrived. I will continue journeying forever and a day until the day I say goodbye.

I have to admit that over the past month it has been so tiring that I have wondered why bother? But as I discovered, I do have to bother. As long as I am here I will have to bother. The other option is settling. Maybe one day I will settle. Maybe one day I will be content to rest on my laurels. Maybe one day I will be able to say yeah, that's it. But I really don't see that. I'm not made that way. I will forever be seeking. I may have answered the big questions - for now - but really, new questions always arise. always posed, as in the case of the reactions to the pandemic by human beings themselves.

One question: why did people react the way they did? The fury of the liberal elite - I cannot call them the Left - to whom the system had benefited towards Donald Trump and Boris Johnson compounded the hysteria. Created it. The media - the BBC - what was going on there? They deserve to have their licence fee removed. /the way we failed children and seniors. We showed that we were willing to sacrifice the future of the children. Even now we haven't really recovered. People are talking about years and years - decades of knock on effect - mental health issues, manias. Again, that word - neurosis. I can see so many children suffering with anxiety, addictions. It has been hell. 

This is the year of rebuilding for me. Literally. I start at the beginning of this new spiral. Things I believe in. 

Over the years I have come to understand the reality of the unseen world. How this is important for me. How it exists and perhaps this is where the next step it. I have already inquired and understood the symbols which have emerged from it - like the Holy Grail, like the labyrinth, like the Tarot, like mythologies, like Atlantis. I have read and charted all the stories and now it is time to create some of my own. To explore this unseen place on my own. Perhaps that is it.

As a teacher I do this automatically. You are always dowsing the future using the present as a teacher. Always leaving the space open, the possibilities possible. 

That is what gives my world meaning. That is where I am going to be from now on. That is my next journey. Travelling into the unseen world. Exploring the space of spiritual science.

Connecting with this. And through this with others.

But the most important thing I have to remember is to be my best self. To stand with strength and integrity. And winds will shake me but I will resolve to be better. I will endure. I have found my place and I will endure. And that is all that matters. I will endure, grow deeper and then eventually I will find and take myself to wherever I need to go.