#4 - #4

Yesterday was an important milestone to myself because for the longest time i felt bad about being unable to be a 'good' ex-wife and to 'accept' the 'new situation'. Well I am now so glad that I've decided in my head what that means for me. And I'm going to say it again because it makes me feel so glad that I have come to this conclusion.

I no longer need to suck it up because well I have firstly divorced him and secondly paid for the privilege to do so. I am grateful that I live in a time when this is possible for a woman and she does not have to endure the nightmare of a lifetime of horrors with a man for whatever reason.

So I am grateful I am divorced.

I have no road map for this. There is this thing now where you need to be 'amicable' with each other for the 'sake of the children'. Well for the 'sake of the children' maybe he could have not been such an asshole, now after he has dragged me through crap for 25 years, he wants to do things for the 'sake of the children'. Well that is bollocks.

After accusing me of trying to 'control' him using the boys - e.g. asking him what time he was coming back for dinner was controlling him, getting upset that he was leaving for a foreign country and not telling me was controlling him, calling him while he was away was controlling him, getting him to pay his share of the household bills was controlling him - well, honestly the whole 'for the sake of the children' who aren't children anymore, is not going to wash.

As I wrote more last night in my journal, as usual, I felt better as myself who has been hiding under the rubble of the relationship began to emerge. The other thing that popped into my head then was This year I am going to be kind to myself.

This means

1. Giving myself time to get over this divorce. All too often in this world there is a axiom which says you have to 'get on with it'. Brush it off. Get on with it. Get into a new relationship, Show them. Get a facelift. Get a new something. Whatever. Just show them they havent broken you. This is a load of bollocks also. Getting divorce is a deeply painful experience - the entire thing is painful. Especially the way this has been done from the way he moved hi pregnant girlfriend in (by the way the age difference between the two of them is greater than Prince Andrew and Virginia Giuffre by several years), to him moving directly across the road in effect continuing the intimidation he has perpetuated all these years... I need to give myself the permission even if he won't to get mad, get hurt, feel the frustration and sorrow and... all of this was fading until he moved within walking distance and just across from the school. So I will take as long as I fucking need to in order to 'move on' which includes being angry with him for doing it all over again.

2. Forgiving myself. One of the most annoying things about going through this is that people who have never been in my position will try and 'make you feel better' by saying things like 'oh you need to stop hating him because this means he is still trapping you'. It is 'your responsibility for being positive towards him'. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. If you have nothing good to say, if you cannot empathise with my struggle, do not diminish it. Would you ask the colonised to forgive the colonist? No, you would not. So do not ask me to do the same. I am not a victim but at the same time I am justified to experience and process my anger. I have learnt one thing from this - there is no point expecting any support from people because they only thing they can say is 'be strong'. Well you be strong then. I will be satisfied and I will forgive myself for feeling for still feeling the turbulence I do and guess what I am taking charge of my well being and part of that processing of the well being is to go through that gamut of emotions and I will go through them and only come out of them, if that should ever happen, when I am ready for it. According to my own time line. And what I am also not going to do is drag someone else into the equation for the sake of shoving it into my ex's face. That is just crazy talk. The biggest mistake I have made is trying to get support from people I thought could support me when they are clearly not up to the task. That's absolutely fine. My mistake, not theirs. I won't be doing it again.

3. Looking after myself. This is more difficult than it sounds. All the other two - that I barely let myself do, but the looking after myself... one thing which divorce does to you is it makes you question everything about yourself especially, if like me, you put 2000% into it in the last ten years. There is not gilding the turd, I was rejected by a loser. Even though I tried everything and hung on. I was still rejected and then mistreated before the rejected. Yes, it is true that after he told me he wasn't going to continue with this relationship any longer I did not speak to him, but that was me being good with boundaries because the Planet Chaos gravitational pull is extreme.

Looking after oneself is quite straightforward but for the first time in my life it feels so hard. For instance, exercise, eating well, taking care of my appearance, doing the things I love... it is hard because of the emotional place I find myself, but also the entire Covid has thrown us for a loop. This is the year of recovery on every front. I am going to have to make sure I look after myself. That is my absolutely priority. I have this list of things to be done. I think that exercise and looking after the house, working and setting up Elements properly is going to have to take absolute centrestage.

This I will focus on. I also need to find a place for my aging process in my head. I vacillate between feeling so proud of myself and feeling bitter that I have accomplished anything. All crazy talk, of course. If I can somehow keep the truth and the present in my head that would really help. 

These entries are wonderful really. I was told on a regular basis that I was 'delusional'. When I think of the way he tried to break me, how much he hated my strength of character, my spirit... how he tried to separate my sons from me and failed completely of course... no wonder I am still furious with him. And I allow myself that. But the 'delusional' thing... of course everything which he said to me was all projection. But that is what writing has done for me. It has enabled me to write to my core self. To the very heart of me.

It is now time to finish my lesson planning. I think we will start the year with Angel letters. Might as well. I'm very happy with how the students are getting on. Very happy indeed. I have acheived many things before the end of the holidays... I did the divorce documentation, I did the Forest School elements, I did Christmas decorations, I made gingerbread houses and I sold the house. I can be very very proud of all that. This year the final bits get sorted and 2022 is gonna be the foundations upon which it all takes off.