#14 - #14

It is so lovely moving into middle age. I love the way in which it brings about freedom. It is weird women complain about 'being invisible'. What does that even mean? Like men are no longer oogling and harassing you? That's mad. Who'd want that. It reminds me of being a child again - this freedom to move and to go about just doing what I need to do instead of being aware constantly of the male gaze. This gaze is debilitating and annoying. There used to be a level of expectation which came with it. And not just about what you could give them but also how you should behave and when you did not behave in that way you were punished. 

Now we trailblaze, my generation trailblazes into middle age the same way in which we did so for being teenagers, education, being mothers, being lovers, being autonomous. It is a truly delightful place. Why this? Because yesterday we were talking in Wagamama andthe boys were teasing me about 'looking good' for being 51... then Oisin said, sure it doesn't even matter because you like growing old. I said, yes, yes I do. I really do enjoy it.

The growth and rhythms which take place in old age. Some rhythms do fade - like the period. Others are being able to know what you want. The intuition is honed. The sense of self is complete. It is as if - you do not even know when it took place, but suddenly you are wonderously you. The person you have always meant to be. That's something. I do feel sorry for women who have all their lives lived by their face - the face being the fortune. That is truly sad. Truly truly truly. It is heartbreaking.

So Oisín leaves and leaves an Oisín shaped hole in his wake. I am once again bereft of his presence - the turbulence of a spring wind as he blows through our lives. I look at my beautiful sons and I claim them. Their gorgeousness, their confidence. How they are delighted with life. A long time ago I made sure that they were rooted in their sense of identity and that they saw reflected in the world possibility. That they would not be broken before their time. That I did all I could to ensure that they were the gorgeous beings which they were.

I made sure of that. And here we are...here we stand. They are everything I had hoped they would be and more. I of course live in worry that they would perhaps be one day be in pain or trouble or something should happen to them - but up till this moment, up till now, they have navigated their ways in the world and I am grateful. I am deeply appreciative of what life could be. I could not give them a whole family, but I could give them the presence of me. And that's all I can do. I can, as they remind me I was so fond of saying. I can only do my best. But I am also proud of myself over the past two weeks. I also pushed back. I pushed back when I had been pushed over again. I told Oisín I will not be the after thought again, the accommodater. I will not do that. I demand what I can have. That I will do. 

That also comes with age and with age comes liberty. I also love how I am moderate. I mean I am embarrassed about things I used to do. The things I am most embarrassed about are the times when I was cruel in my comments about other people. Although they were true. Which probably makes them worse. Well I am not like that anymore. I do have a vault. I no longer get upset about people and that is a good thing. I am 10000 time more relaxed about this shit. It feels great, another liberation. I won't stand for shit, but I don't have to be mean, which I was.