#17 - #17

Never have I ever felt so unmotivated and low. Never have I ever felt so much the sense of what is the point? And it isn't as if I don't believe in what I do - I do 100%, 1000% - I love what I do and this is going to sound stupid, but I have a very bad feeling about this. The nightmare which is coming down the track which is the tsunami of Brexit plus poor governance. Where will it all end? I suppose the good news is that none of these powers were anything as strong as they used to be. The bad news is that for the time being there is no way out of this paperbag of endless mindless consumption. 

I was watching - that is literally what I spent the entire day yesterday doing - sitting on the sofa and watching nonsense. Also the news which is worse than nonsense. I am GLAD the BBC's licence fee will be taken away. They deserve it. Between the blatant protection of Boris Johnson saying oh they can address the culture - what fucking culture? - and their virtue signalling shite, I have had enough of it. The worst thing about the entire wokeness phenonema is that it does not change the content, it changes the container. Who cares if the container is black white binary or straight? You have to also address the development and governance model. This is the maya which Bhudda speaks about. I am tired having to wade through constant maya. It is just THE WORST.

I went for a walk with Lisa the other day and told her that it does not matter what organisation type it is - as soon as it reaches a critical mass it will be populated by assholes. At least if it is small it stands a chance of operating on a human level although of course we saw stellar bullying in small settings as well - but any large institutions will attract assholes and it will never be the best person for the job - it will be the person with the most ambitious sharpest elbows who gets to the top position. The person who wants to step all over the other person. Just ride rough shod and doesn't care how they do it. It isn't even for the money - for the money they would run their own successful company - it is for the adulation and the power. I see it so clearly now. Organisations are not about change. They are all about keeping the status quo. They are about rigormortis. This is why change can only happen through revolution. And anyone who wants to affect genuine change - well they are just bullied like Corbyn or ignored. Make no mistake if they paid the slightest heed to you you would be a pawn in their awful game and as soon as you stop - well they find someone else.

Yes - this Mercury Retrograde has been another stinker, another kicker. I feel like I am burning inside. Like my insides are being scooped out with a spoon. I wrote to Ruth about David's passing and said that I was told by Kieran that he would be riding on a bike to send David out. I said her generation was the Wild Bunch. They worked and played hard. They lived large. They were originals. It was like looking at the Age of Heroes. The generation after that - we were the Age of Assholes. Really, we were. In a way made by the previous age. I remember having to conform to the Shell Helicopter review. Everything was about money. It was perfectly acceptable to measure everything according to money. As a result we grew up in that mold. And then our children - the Age of Health and Safety? What will they be? The Age of Instagram?

I found Nine Perfect Strangers perfectly objectionable. I found it self involved, very first world problemy, self indulgent... I guess I'm done with all that. The entire new age movement with their cult of the body and their microdosing and their having to have no issues in their lives - everything having to be tidied up and everyone made perfect. It's mad. It was sort of a more updated neurotic version of Eat, Pray, Love. It is an unsustainable position to be in. How can you keep reaching for a pinnacle in a world of constant change? Much better cycles. As I watched The Green Planet, two things came clear - the model of competition was constantly banged on about but also the perfection which nature has. It is competition, it is equilibrium. Perfect is found in the in and out breath - in the swash and backwash. It is not found in the ice picking your way up a mountain peak - because you have to come down again after all. By living the everyday beautifully the exceptional takes place. Look at that tributary in Venezuela. Fizzing with oxygen after an afternoon of receiving the sun. Or the bladderwort able to trap insects in vacuums... or the water lily, creating space where none was before. It is perfect symbiosis. The everyday into the exceptional. That is my example now. The simple everyday. The beautiful everyday - and from that, a true life emerges and without even noticing, it is quite simply magical.