#19.21 - Nothing really matters

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It is true, nothing really matters, so we might as well care about something. For me, it is the boys, always has been, 100 per cent. It is not because I don't want them to leave, quite the opposite, it is so that I will be ready when they leave because I will be able to say I have done everything I can for them.

I must go running. I haven't been able to do that for two weeks. First, it was just feeling blah and now it is I have gotten out of the habit of it. While I did it though I felt great. I love running in the dark, when no one is around. It is a quiet, sacred experience, like sitting in a cathedral with no one around - just me and my God. Do I believe in God? Yes, yes I do. I believe in a sacred, a beauty, something ineffable which looks out for me. I do not believe that the world is a cold comfortless place. Why? Because it isn't. And I know it isn't because I have been held and loved by it. We create godhead between ourselves. We create god in our consciousness, in our thinking. This is why it is so seductive being a human being - we are able to create God using our thoughts. But we mistake the God we create for ourselves being God. Because God is perfect, and we are not. We have godlike powers, like Frankesnstein discovered, but we are not perfect. We fall short, so short - and yet in our contemplation of God is perfect. The only way we can achieve that perfection is through acting out of love. Whenever we act out of love, real love, pure love, we touch this perfection for a very short while. I understand this now. Love, only love, real love enables us to achieve godhead. It was there in the beginning - Jesus literally said this 2,000 years ago. God is Love. Muhammad built on it. And everything else, the Lucifer and the Ahriman, it helps us incarnate, but going too much to either side pulls away from Love.

This is the break through I have been running up to. Fully understanding what this means - God is Love. It's good. It's beautiful. It's the ideal we live up to. God is Love. 

Didn't know I was going to go there. That's the nice thing about the morning writing - and it has been weeks since I have felt this way - ok two weeks - ok since the last time I wrote fiction. I suddenly feel like the boulder has been removed and the water is flowing again. It is the 19th of January, and I have reconnected with the spirit. Dear god. I never thought it would happen again - walking in the driving snow to get here.

I know I am the lucky one. That I am privileged. That I have nothing, not really to worry about. I am a bit disappointed that I haven't written my novel, but that's on me. Everything else is hunky dory.

Everything else, I AM GOOD.

Everything else is within my control. I don't know why I got so upset over the whole stupid Covid mess. It is as if suddenly everything has been pulled back into focus, and I now understand. Going through the eye of the needle here... and coming out on the other side.

I'm back.

Whew! I was really worried there for awhile. Everything is possible again. Poetry, people, writing, running. Everything. 

I went to the house yesterday and collected more things that were mine. Birdfeeders, clothes, plate, timer, books... bits and bobs. The boys told me not to take the plate, but I said to them, this plate is mine. Lara gave this to me for Christmas. And they said we have no plates, please be rational about this. I said, I think I have been very rational now for the past twenty years. I think I would like a bit of emotional in my life. I have fucking had it with Peter. The house was a tip. He has a cleaner come in obviously, but the place looks like a rat's nest. Just books, things, all over the place. Anyway, it is probably because I have been away from it for so long that it now looks like a total tip. If I lived there it would probably be alright. That's the thing right, you never see your own mess.

The number of times I deleted stuff I had written about him on the blog. Well, I don't anymore. The pain and sorrow I feel - have put up with for years and years... it is heartbreaking. Ma today said that my dad gave her high blood - and she said he made this huge mess yesterday - so I told her you know what I had to do yesterday when I went home? I had to fix the toilet. Yes. The overflow pipe on the cistern was running so I had to sort it out. So, don't tell me that Pa gives you high blood. You have not had to live with Peter for the past twenty years. You aren't 50 years old and going through a divorce. I'm amazed that I'm still standing and not a quivering mess when you put it like that.

But I have come out through the other side. The realisation that it is only when we act with love that we achieve godhead - that is good. 

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