#16.21 - Another week passeth

Well another week has gone by. There is a kind of wonderful peace which permeates through the house when the boys aren't here. It is just me with low level lighting and music. I have had a hot shower and made a small salad. A cup of tea stands beside me, papers are scattered all over the table - books, scribbled words in Irish, bills... it is a time of messy industry.

The boys will be back on Monday. I miss them so much when they aren't here but there is enough to be done really. Enough to be getting on with. I have just finished Dark - a wonderful TV series about time travel but more really about the consequences of our actions. 

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It is the next day. I was feeling not great last night. Maybe too much of the creme burlee. I finished the rest of the bowl over the last week. It was very good. Like ice cream which had been cooked instead of frozen.

The week has passed. I hate hate hate this. I hate this. I just find it impossible. I feel so fed up and broken over the entire situation. I cannot believe that Boris Johnson just stone cold barefaced lied about the border situation and I have no doubt at all that the DUP will use this situation to make people here demand that there be a border with the Republic. It will very quickly become a sectarian issue. It is just beyond depressing. I just want to crawl into bed and lie there for a week. 

The school situation is now understandably a mess - the ENTIRE school situation all over the country. Politicians don't care. What have they done to make anyone's lives any better? Not one bit. The entire country is being held in place by underpaid employees and volunteers and politicians are just making flapping noises. Is this a deadly virus or not? It is clearly NOT a deadly virus - Heidi who has been blithely kept open and been using minimal precautions has not had anything. Nor has anyone in her shop caught anything clearly. It is mental. 

It has been very hard to focus and do anything. I need to go out for a run today and everything will be alright then. There is something buzzing in my head... like something is coming and it is bad and I don't know what it is. Really worrying.

Today I will go out for a run and then clean the house. Today is house cleaning day. It has been hard not having the boys - I miss them so much for some reason. 

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ok i'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO JUST WRITE AND JUST GET ON WITH IT. jUST DO THESE THINGS EVEN IF i FEEL LIKE CRAP. 

Caps lock there.

I am now on the horns of a dilemma. I no longer want to be on facebook. It is a load of cobblers there. Nor on any other social media platform but I have to be for elements. So I have to do a complete rethink of everything. It is so so hard. So hard.

It rains all night last night. It is tough at this time of the year for so many people... feels good to be writing again. However, people are really feeling the strain of the lockdown. The British government has complete messed things up. 

I have been looking at the QAnon theories and because people have not been given the chance to study mythology or understand the beauty in the story telling, their thirst, their wish, their desire to connect with this rich vein of life has resulted in a strange evolution of what the story means to them. Instead of really understanding the story for what it can be, they have used it, seen their pain and prejudice in it, and then created a strange alternate white myth around it. Norse myths, Greek myths, even the esoteric readings of the Bibles are now in the domain of these right wing maniacs. Shamanism which was beginning to have some kind of a purchase amongst people who are trying to deal with their own pain has now been labelled by the rationalist. They are DELIGHTED with the buffalo guy. I am now just in the biggest amount of misery possible cos I can see it coming. I did not expect it to be in this form though. I did not expect it to be this kind of spiritual mess.

I have had enough of everything and everyone. Everything and everyone. I must once again now plot my own path. Once again, set out and just keep hacking at the branches in the jungle to get away from the people who have made it here. Found their own way here. It is like... what is it like? It is like having done all the work to get to where I am and perfectly enjoyed being with my friends and like minded people in a clearing we have painstaking carved out for ourselves, we now find not only the lunatics have discovered this place - but the patriarchs as well. Previously they just left us alone and now we are to harassed into taking a side. Not content with having their own stupid way now for nearly 200 years, they now insist on everyone conforming.

So I am once again going to have to start hacking my way out of this mess, out of this mental and spiritual space which I have found for myself. And this all has happened since - i think since I stopped writing again - so I think since a little more than a week ago.

It isn't that long ago, which is the good news. The good news is that I understand what is going on in my head now.

And what is going on in my head is the need to leave this space which everyone is now stomping all over. Which is why I have to leave facebook. Apart from elements.

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I went for a walk with the Annadaleans yesterday and Gabriel today. It was not enough to feel like I am no longer living in my head. But I need to sort things out. I must got back on the horse. I have never felt so confused and fed up and close to tears over this whole situation. The frustration and the uselessness of the government - the not knowing anything and being unable to trust anything they say because everything is contradictory. Honestly, it pure nonsense and to see people just going along with it. Once again, am I missing something?

Right... things...

I will now write a list of things that I need doing. And then there is the schedule I have anyway. Back to writing - to everything really.