#291 - #316 (25): Minerva - Beliefs

I am so bored with Covid. So fucking bored with it. I'm hoping it will be over in the nest three months - the stupidity. If I ever have to hear the word vaccinated again. 

There is a super stupid ad which is on YouTube which I'm target for - which involves some stupid watch which can measure the speed of your serve. So fucking bored.

I'm hoping this will stop the Ad. Also another stupid ad about coffee helping you lose weight. I have literally not clicked on ANY of these ads for YEARS. Completely useless.

Lockdowns are so stupid.

Today was wonderful - at the Quarries. Emma is amazing. She is such a craftsperson. I am just astounded at how good she is. I really hope her craft dreams take off. I will help her as much as possible.

I really will. 

What else is there? 

This week was very special. This week something happened. I went through the eye of the needle. Monday was tough but then, I shook it off and when we shake things off we become stronger. Last night Oisin spoke to me. I love that boy so much. He was working and told me that he was doing well. Honestly I am so lucky to have these wonderful boys. So lucky.

I spoke to Ghin last night and asked him how he was and he told me he was ok. We are doing well in Holywood. This is now our home. This is now our neighbourhood. This where we have made ours for now. The school seems to be doing ok and the class is incredible. I am having the best teaching year of my life. The children in the class are pretty straightforward and I am really enjoying everything. I am so happy I decided to teach and I am getting good at it. It just shows how everything is possible. Everything IS possible.

What we do is important.

This autumn has been one of the most beautiful. I really get it now. That gathering darkness, the drawing in of the nights. I used to think it was sad and crap, but for some reason... this year...

To be out from under a smothering relationship - to be on my own. To take possession of my life - to no longer be in hock to someone else - and to finally be able to define who I am. To be alive. But to also be delightfully alive. It is hard to describe. 

To be self possessed. 

The lies that people tell themselves - it is ok. If lies are what is needed... 

It is 1 am. I am a teeny tiny bit completely awake. Listening to music and wandering. 

I love my tidy life. The sanctity. I love the strength. The non involvement. I love the fresh mountain air. Bracing. I inhale it and I am alive. There is to be no compromise, never ever again. This is who I am and I would much rather be on my own than be with an asshole. 

It feels a relief. No longer having to bear the responsibility nor the blame. To unfold and to be accountable to no one - I would be accountable under the right circumstances but only under the right ones. 

My kitchen that smells of food. The shepherd's pie I had cooked last night. My kitchen that is real. 

I love it. There are traces... talking to Ghin last night and his good nature. To think this was my baby and now he is a beautiful young man. Someone warm and personable... he said something interesting which is when someone says they are fine they aren't really fine. He is right the word fine has a sharp thread that goes through it. So I said I am good. Not fine. From that one statement, I know instantly that Ghin is a lot more perceptive than I give him credit for. I have to learn to trust him. I have to believe that I have done that work. 

It was difficult when we left, but we had to make that break. I decided to because it was time. It was agreed that he would spend two nights and every other weekend... but now, now he is mostly here with me. And now he has chosen that. It is something which I have loved and borne. He asked me if I enjoyed being in school today and I said, absolutely. I have loved it. And he said, I'm so glad because I'm not the only reason why you are still there. I said, no... no... not at all. I am there because I love being in the school. I love my class. And I am enjoying everything. If I ever look back at my life... this week was a sweet spot. There are a few of them... and this was one of them. When I was at my best. When life was good to me in the teeth of a divorce.

I have continued to lose weight. The not drinking and the lots of movement and activity has been awesome. I will never ever ever resort to any effort to lose weight anymore. I have now arrived at the part of my life when I know that this is who I am. Plus it is all heading in the right direction. Between being a Steiner teacher, Forest School and gardening, it is all sorting itself out. All of the 1980s - post Olympics angst and the vanity - all of that is over for me. And I am going to lean in hard to the boho aesthetic. It has always been mine. Pre-Raphaelite, boho, metal, environment and outdoors. Writer, piano player, mother, teacher, lover of nature... these are wonderful things. And here I am.