#277 - 311

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Right. 

House is about to go on the market and I am DONE FOR.

It has been a completely exhausting journey here. 

From the obstacles I have had with my own pain and sorrow to the obstacles put in my path by other idiots, I have had to do battle every step of the way.

There isn't much to be said anymore. I no longer get any insights about anything mostly because I have received all of them. All the questing and the seeking and the wondering - it all has ended. I won't say that the big questions have been answered for me - well they have, to my own satisfaction, and now it is the everyday which I have to be honest about.

I'm now wondering if I just let Elements go to ground now until the half term next year. I have to be brutally honest about what I am able to do. 

I have so much to catch up on and it is all too much for me.

I will clean the house today and then start cleaning this table. 

It is simple. That is what I need to do. 

Watched Dune with Ghin yesterday. Production wise it is a massive space opera. It is going to be as close to Philip Glass as anything is going to get in Holywood. The stillness, the pause and reflection, the inference, the difficulty and not spoonfeeding the audience. That was nice. The massive interiors which were stark and bare the way medieval castles probably were, the despair and the pointlessness of colonialsation and the stupidity of the scrabble of resources. And all the time the looking on of disinterested Gods. 

Another depressing thing was the COP-26 which took place last week. A week of hoopla and pointlessness. There is just so much nonsensical crap and busyness which comes from these things which I have learnt to disregard. It embarrassing actually. See what happened with Covid? If rich and powerful people wanted to sort it out they would. Instead here we are like people putting off doing the mowing until sometime in the future when it will be someone else's problem. Probably by the time they are dead. Anyone, anyone who has been responsible for the last twenty years has their hands covered in blood and oil. I don't care who you are and how good your intentions were if you were part of the system and making the most from the hay then you are compromised. Even worse if you were taking part in the asinine life of flying all over the world on holidays of all things, please, just fuck off. If someone tells me about their weekend in some place I'm just going to ask what they have done to offset their carbon.

It has been a week of extreme grumpiness. 

It is true.

On the plus side, I am now thinner than I was two weeks ago thanks to all the activity over the holidays. Apparently if you are active six hours a day you will lose weight eating normally. Who knew? The AI will now start putting stupid ads in YouTube for me about losing weight. This is how I know that the AI will always be stupid. Not only that it puts ads about investing in stupid schemes and policies. I wonder how they have selected me. Sometimes I get ads about juice. I have have never bought juice in months and months. Wonderful.

I LOVE the light now. I know I am grumpy about the general state of the world, and I am right to feel despondent about that. But daily I go to school and the kids there are amazing. I am told on a regular basis that I'm the best teacher they have ever had. I know this Golden Age will last for this year and I am grateful for it. I am so happy. I am filled with overflowing delight and love when I am there.

I also found recently this affirmation about how people make me feel. The trick is to not feel that way by blocking everything out. I have now curated my life to such an extent that all the nuisances have for now been obliterated. It will never ever be perfect and I must now just live with the minor annoyances. I cope with this by the following:

1. Bringing my best game to the table and taking responsibility for my own behaviour.
2. Not allow people to get under my skin.
3. Be positive and actively thoughtful.
4. No Mean Girl Energy Ever.
5. Accept people the way they are.
6. Boundaries.

By doing this I hope that I'm going to get on with the world beyond. I will never be completely happy but I can be as happy as I can be.

Ghin told me that he thought that P had shot himself in the toe with an AK47 32 times. Yes that was quite funny. Ghin has a wonderful turn of phrase. He also said that P said oh I think mom's relationship with J has soured. What fucking relationship? It has soured long long ago, even before I left the house. there is no need to be with people I don't need. They certainly didn't believe like they had needed me. So you know... boundaries. OK I guess that's it. Time for sorting out the house. Cleaning and doing the Forest School equipment and then sorting out the laundry, etc... It feels good though. Such a beautiful day. I think I may even do some gardening. I am going to be cutting back a whole lot of hedge over the course of the next few weeks.

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