365 - 21.10.26 - Sadness

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Yesterday, I could not sleep and then I felt very very sad. It has been awhile since I've felt so sad. Just the overwhelming sadness - a helplessness. I think not having Oisin - I miss him, but that can't be helped. And the feeling of once more having to start again. And then also feeling utter antipathy for Singapore and everything about the place. I think its the superficiality. The stupidity. The short term stupidity and the long term mistake and the seeing and knowing that they will not fix it. They can't fix it. They don't know how to.

So I turned to the thing which I could control. My body. I will do a mini fast for the next three days. And I will really work on my story and I will work on the house. That I will do. It will be fine. Ma's knee is feeling better now. So today, I will see if I can go for my run first thing and then swim... we go to Sheng Siong at 11 pm. Before lunch. But I also had this dream - where I found myself back at the RSPB and they were doing something with communication. Ahab was there. It was very strange for a dream because I could read everything. I remember telling myself, this is very weird. I sat down beside him and I felt the warmth of his skin against mine. It was like no time had passed at all. We both listened intently to the briefing and I said, Er why am I here? And he replied, Because I asked for you. I smiled. Then we went off together to get what we had to do done. I said to him, it's so nice seeing you. It felt so real. He looked good - like the way I remember him. And when he smiled at me... i used to say to him, it is just impossible. It's like we make these resolutions to never be with each other again and then, when we are together, all those resolutions go out of the window. Like there is a massive axe and it just breaks the strongbox, lock and chain and box and all. And inside, its my heart and there I go again. It was just like that last night, once more. I think I will just have to accept that that is the way it is always going to be. I laid Peter down last new moon, I was going to lay Ahab down this coming new moon. But it's just crazy. I don't know if it is necessary even. 

I was seeing something about Bruce Willis and apparently he no longer remembers he is an actor any more. But he is very happy because he is surrounded by the people who love him. He is just himself. And I thought, I wonder if Ahab's the same - he's forgotten everything. But that meeting up - it was as if to say, no, not everything. So strange it was.

I must now approach the stories as I do my essays. I will work at them - work them over. I felt like I made a breakthrough yesterday with time and space. I must not make the reader work too hard. It should be easy, entertaining. That's the most important thing.

I am now reading four books, of course. The History of South East Asia, Unease, The Unredacted Albatross Files and The 100 Senses - I think that's what it's called. Above all, art requires faith. And to surround myself with the implements which bring about faith.

And I will continue running and swimming and stretching. Returning to the body. 

Yesterday, for the first time in a month, I felt like the exercising was finally coming together. I should rest for two full days, that's what they told me. So... let's do some planning now...

Well, i'm not swimming, not really, so I'll just push through everyday this week... including swimming - until Friday and then I'll take a break over the weekend, although I do love running... 

It's not that deep Stephanie. 

Really, it isn't. 

I have been very very happy many times in my life before. Very happy. And just being reminded of that - it wasn't even a reminder... How many people get to be so happy? 

Anyway - back to the now.

I'll get on with the day. I feel a lot more settled and focused again. It was a much needed visit by Ahab. It was so nice, sitting beside him and feeling the warmth of each other again. I'll never understand why he ended it, but what I do know is that while we were together it was just incredibly beautiful. And that can never be taken away.


Keem, Achill Island



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