353 - 13.10.26 - Time it passes

Well, only this morning I got up at 6 am, ready to do everything. I had breakfast with Ma, then we went to the Serangoon Polyclinic, to discover that there has been a computer systems crash island wide so we would be waiting for ages to check in to see the dr to renew a prescription. I pushed her to Food Republic through an eerily silent and empty NEX, only to find that the airconditioning wasn't working. Then I pushed her back to the clinic to see that it was still under repair - it still is four hours later - and then we went to the local market to eat. 

I was so tired by the time I got back that after the Duolingo, I fell asleep, of course. But was asked by Oisin to accompany him for a late breakfast at 10.30 am. Then I bought som fruit, ox tail and seow bak at NTUC, told off a very rude old man, and then came home. After that I cut up the watermelon and seow bak, fed Ma and then fell asleep. It is now 2 pm. Just like that. The day can't decide what it wants to do. 

The haze is dreadful, as usual. Perhaps it will rain. If it did rain, it would be awesome. Jac wants to go to the club for a run after this. That would be great. I might go for a swim after this.

It is so ridiculously hot, it feels like we are in a sauna.

I am sweating INSIDE the house, but at least it is wet heat. I'd take wet heat any day over dry heat. What else?

YES, this is the important thing...

On Sunday, I did drumming with Lianne and I asked for one thing - which was, with this new moon, to finally close the chapter and my annoyance with Peter. Not to let him in, but to stop just getting pissed off whenever I thought about him. Geram. To stop being geram with him. I drew two cards - Beauty and Intuition. Which was perfect. 

Regarding my intention to leave it behind, I received the message saying, it is over now. You no longer have to return there ever again. The door is closed. Regarding the other messages - the vision I had was to say, you are now standing only in one snapshot of time - beauty is everywhere and it will return. You are to be that conduit, to continue to hold it so that it. Do be positive and return to the beauty of things which you usually do on a daily basis in your non Singaporean life. Just hold on to that - and be a force for good. 

And those were very important reminders. I have cleared the misery out and I am now moving into a better place.

Or I have always been there - I just need to settle and remember this. But in a Singaporean context.

What are the challenges of being in Singapore? The culture of Singapore is thin. Unlike Ireland, there is a deep sense of who they are - the land carries them, the land remembers. There is truth spoken all the time, even if there isn't truth, there is the opportunity for truth. Take the revelation of the Tuam babies, for instance. Would a scandal of that proportions ever be able to be revealed here? Never. Not in a million years. So there is redemption. Here the sins will never be revealed. They will be taken to the grave and beyond and the will poison the water and the land forever. 

There is also the superficial nature of Singaporeans. Everything is surface. People do not live deep lives even though they are more than capable of doing this. There is a constant anxiety of being discovered for who you really are - I honestly don't know who each person is, but there is this weird superficiality which is distressing. Nonetheless, I have to push past all that and be at peace with it. It just is what it is.  People here don't think very hard. They aren't interested in doing anything beyond their phones. There is no point processing anything. I don't know how anyone lives like that, but they do and I totally accept it.

Now I do - mostly because I no longer frustrated about this. Because I have gone away and I no longer need to draw on this as my only source for sanity. I am beyond this.

In the meantime, I am finding my feet.

The haze now means that I cannot run outside. I now run indoors. I ran on Monday and I'll run today - and swim. So, that's good. 

It is the one thing that does keep me sane. 

I've also had a megastressful last couple of weeks. Ma's leg has made some sort of a recovery, but she is now a little off kilter. Literally and metaphorically. I am glad I get to spend time with her. I was thinking that when I looked after the boys I was thinking one day this will be gone - because they will grow up and I will no longer be with them. Now I think when I look after Ma, one day she will be gone because she too will grow up and pass into the spirit world. And I don't know how long that will be, but I can, while I am with her enjoy the time with her. 

This very special time. The new moon has had a renewing effect - a salubrious one. Last month was remarkably frustrating with fits and starts occurring all the time. I suppose the jetlag, etc. But I'm back now. New moon and all. I feel so much much better.

Right. 

Plans plans plans. 

I mean, just before I go into the next phase - I've done alright you know. I did admin and paid all the bills, etc. It has been great. I have kept things going. I have helped Ma heal her leg. I have done that. I've not done NOTHING. Just not as much as I wish I could have.

But I always overdo right?

OK, here we go. 

Today and the rest...