360 - 18.10.26 - Ma

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I consider it an absolute privilege to look after Ma. This task was given to me by my father. It is so filled with grace, but it is also very sad. Sad because I recall her in her heyday when she was this formidable presence. When she was the tallest woman I knew, even though she was just of regular height. When her word was law, which it kind of still was, but there would be no questioning of it. When she would do everything with zealous efficiency. She couldn't bear people who took too long to get and do anything. She was as sharp as a whip. Well, now that is not the case. She relies on me for everything. Her knee has given up on her and she won't go for an operation. She hobbles about and is wrecked with pain. I do physio with her twice a day. She won't go anywhere and I have to drag her out on the regular. Yesterday we went to drop Oisin off at Changi. I was just about able to make her come along.

It has been such a rollercoaster since Pa passed. She looked after the both of them all this time. And then when Pa went, there was a massive gap. Then my hand went and she looked after me. And then... since my trip to Ireland, she has just become less and less mobile. I just worry so much for her. I know that it is what it is. But I think to myself, it is just like when the boys were small. To know that one day they will grow up and leave and for Ma, one day she will move on and then I will have missed appreciating the fact that I am able to do something for her. There is no point going to TTK and doing things for other people if you can't do things for your own, right?

So, I look after Ma. And I do it gladly, but with a breaking heart.

Then there is the haze. I am now utterly resigned to the stupidity of the Singaporean government. It is too late now. This is what happens when you have an entire government which is monolithic and cannot project and imagine into the future. It's desperate.

I am not going to rail about them anymore. From everything I see about them, I don't think anything is going to change. They are just going to lead everyone off a cliff and when it's done, well, who knows what that will look like because no one has prepped for it. There is no scenario in which they have managed to project the collapse of Singapore because it hasn't taken place in their imaginations. How do I know? Because of their utterly useless reaction to the haze and their inability to prevent it. Why? Possibly a mix of ideology and greed. And delusion. So I'm not going to write about that any more.

There is no point. It is too late. Everything now is rearranging the desk chairs on the Titanic. 

The way the government is reacting to the haze now... there's a great saying for it... it's 'Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic'. Everything they are doing now is purely cosmetic while we wait it out - for something we have zero control over - the winds to change and the rains. Everything now is pure copium. I am now just going to leave it here. I am not going to talk about the haze anymore because it is utterly pointless. I don't know how this is going to end - but there will be a lot less forest after this for sure and maybe then the problem will have sorted itself. Just another month or more to go guys. It's all too late now - too too late.

So everything from  now on in, is just going to be making the most of life for me and Ma. Fuck em. Fuck em all. They did this to themselves and to us. 

Right.

So much to do today. I'll start with cleaning the living room. Then lunch and then the front room and gardening. Loads to do. I'll probably go for a run around 3 pm. Then if they let us swim, I'll go swimming too.

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