355 - 14.10.26: Reset

Last night, I spoke to Ma and I said to her, can I speak freely? This came after a particularly difficult episode where she insisted her feet were sticky and they had lost their 'smoothness'. I said, you know that you are getting the best care possible don't you? And she said, yes, I know that. And I said you know that you are safe don't you? She said, yes. Then I said, I know you miss Pa so much and you wish he was here. Yes, she said. But I also understand that he was 82 and if he was still here he would be suffering. Yes. I said. You know that if he were still alive, he would probably be in great pain. And he was also becoming more and more demented. He refused to wear hearing aids, so he was often left out of everything. BUT I said, you know that if he could say anything, he would say that he would want you to be happy.

I know, she replied.

Well, I said, I can do everything for you, but I cannot make you happy Ma, you have to do that for yourself. And I also know that you are frightened and worried about everything. I am, she said. I know I am asking you to change the habits of a lifetime, but you need to stop panicking all the time. We would never put you in a dangerous position. I know, she said. Also, I understand why you are like this. It's because you were separated from your mother when you were born. I know, she said. You know, that's so difficult. So, of course, you are panicking all the time. And Pa, he was your rock. He made you safe and now he is gone. But we are here - she said, I know. We are here and I am now asking you to learn to trust us. To not panic all the time over nothing.

We are so lucky Ma. We are safe, we are together, we get on with each other. Think of families which fall apart when someone dies. That is not us ok. We are still together. And what time we all have left, let us make the most of it. You never know who is going to die first, do you? We just enjoy each other, we have fun together. We have adventure, alright?

It was a good and timely conversation. It was also much needed. When I was at the club, I realised that being human is about suffering. It was also about celebrating. I think that the reason I reject the whole four noble truths is because I do not think that suffering comes from attachment. Nor do we need to fixate on releasing ourselves from dukkha. All these religions which teach about 'being free', being 'liberated' from whatever state we find ourselves as humans. I very much like Steiner's idea that human beings are here to be human and to help each other. That we are alive and we are here to experience this planet - all its beauty and contradictions. So, you know.

I do not subscribe to the this world is suffering, it is caused by attachment, we are the cause of our own suffering, and we can do the eightfold path to escape it. Then there's all the thing about right this and right that. Now that I do think is very helpful. It's like the ten commandments right? The five pillars of Islam. It's a simple rule book to help people feel like they can do something about being human. And that is helpful, for sure. 

But yesterday, while writing in my journal, I thought, this is the way of being human, we have the capacity to suffer, for some reason, and we have the capacity to feel insane levels of joy and sorrow. And we live in this most wonderful place - this planet. We are so blessed. I don't know why the Bible decided to make our time here punishment from paradise. This IS paradise. And so forever we have been treating this place like it is a hellhole from which there is no escape - except through law and death. It's kinda mad really. 

I love, love, love this place. I will do everything I can to be a force for good here. It was easy to do it in Ireland, even Northern Ireland. Because the land was where you could go to heal. Here, the healing part is so deeply buried, the wound is so extreme, and it has become worse and worse over the years. I was away to be able to find myself in the dark once more... and now, I am going to be able to bring everything to bear here.

So, yesterday, I decided that I would wake early. Here is the schedule:-

4.30 am: Wake up, blog

5.00 am: Write - writing starts before everything else. It is my brain cleared of clutter. The other time I could write is after dinner

6.30 am: Run at club - or just run when there is no more haze, swim. OR Garden (run and swim, 5 days a week, Garden 2 days a week)

8 am: Physio with Ma

9 am: Outing with early lunch

11 am: Return

11.30 am: Duolingo and nap

1.00 pm: Admin

3.00 pm: Piano/Draw Clean and tidy

5.30 pm: Read and go out for walk at park

6.00 pm: Prep dinner and Dinner

7.00 pm: Chill/ Write

10.00 pm: Sleep

I also reminded myself that while I had managed to lose the weight I wanted to, my goal - the second part, was to get toned and flexible. So, I'm like halfway there. If I just continue doing this, it will be great. I will be able to make the most of everything here. So, today, we are going to the clinic. 

Again. After my run and swim.

It has been seven months since Pa passed away. Being together has been healing for us. Seven months since all this began. And I don't know what will happen after this year. I don't know, but I am trusting the universe. I am also going to live my best life - the way I have always done.

So this new moon I lay down Peter. Next new moon I will lay down Ahab. I will heal from the time I did not understand. And I will never understand it. Never. And that is alright. 

It was wonderful while it lasted and it ended so abruptly, and I never understood and now he is really gone. I mean really gone. I had the best of him. I did. I can see that now. We had the best time together. It was 100 per cent amazing. And that was all I was given. But it was pure and I am going to purify it. So I'm laying it down in another way.

Right.

For writing today - Continue with Sphinx

For Admin today - cleaning up emails and getting tickets for Ghin

For cleaning today - table and living room and bedroom

5 am: Sphinx

6.30 am: Run and swim

8 am: Clinic and Sheng Siong/ Woodleigh Mall

12 pm: Cook Gu Bak, Duolingo and nap

2 pm: Admin - email and clean up, buy tickets

3 pm: Clean and organise the table and the bedroom

4 pm: Write/ Draw and Piano

6 pm: Dinner

7 pm: Chill

8 pm: Film?

10 pm: Sleep

Yeah, that looks good. 

Right time to start writing again.