#171.21 - Synapse
It is 6 am now. I'll do this for half an hour and then head out for my first run in almost four weeks. I don't worry that I have 'lost' my fitness, etc. It is strange with the retrograde. I really felt so strongly for the first time my sense of direction and confidence dissolve. I doubted everything. Doubt is healthy and important. It puts brakes on things. You get to stress test it. You get to decide is this where I want to go, what I want to do? You get to choose.
Or back away from things. I like doubt.
I was writing to Bart yesterday, saying that the nice thing about being 50 is that I have forgotten more than I have remembered and yet at the same time I still know more than your average 30 year old. I can reach up and pluck out some random thing I have done. I also said in my letter I would not for all the tea in China be anything other than 50. I love being 50 in a slightly smug way. I have passed all the sharp rocks of drama and the uncontrollable madness. I mean I'm glad I lived life with madness, more so than most. But now it is time for chill. This is why I can't ever imagine being in a relationship again. The most I can do is offer friendship. And friendships are far more important that relationships. The most important part of any relationship is the thing you have built with each other. Whether it is friendship or a partner. However the person whom I was supposed to have done this with upped and left. There is nothing I can do about that. And anyway whatever we built was dreadful - apart from the boys and truth be told the boys I mostly did with the help of other people. The only reason why Peter is still here is because Covid prevents him from flying around the world inflating his carbon footprint.
I am learning to be a good friend. That is immeasurably more satisfying and better. That is a worthwhile cause. Being a good friend.
Yeah so I'm going to go for that run in ten minutes.
I was going to say something about knowing things. We are living through a time of reckoning. Living in Ireland is a bit like living in another place, another dimension. Things don't really come washing on our shores. Our journey to Singapore was that one contact with the world. But the world had also become mad. It is possibly personified by HDTV. All of technology crammed into the flat screen, but the content is still the same. I was hoping for awakening, for change. But that will not be because the people in charge are under the thrall of consumerism. Even my sons, raised to be non-materialists have fallen under the sway, the guise, the spectre of consumerism. I remember that maybe I did that too at their age - when did it stop though? I can't remember when it stopped. When I began to see that people with more money than were we still unhappy. That money really did not make life better. Or more money did not do that. Friends who had large houses, belonged to well to do homes, they had the same emptinesses. I suppose now we are all 50 maybe they have learned to live with their privilege too now.
Yesterday I did a poem than began about the retrograde and ended up with sacred geometry. That makes sense. I am at an age now where the points of sacred and profane are revealed to me. I can see them as surely as I watch a sunrise. When it can be watched. I read patterns. I can now tell the hidden structures of things. What will I do with they knowledge? A sort of power in development?
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