#321 - The veil between the worlds

Greyabbey

It is Halloween, where the veil between the worlds thins and the spirits and us mix. We mingle and we cannot tell one from the other. Our dead are honoured, they are remembered. We enter the darkness, the darkest. Here we are alive, here we are also dead. Here we exist. A cold cold breeze makes the nettles and the yellowing leaves of the cherry tree tremble. The beech outside sheds its leaves. When I go running, I run in a genteel falling shower of colour - the lime trees of Stormont, the oaks, the sycamore, the birches... they are all falling asleep. It is time they whisper, time to disappear...

So we must, we must leave.

Many people never survived winter. This was a sort of memorium and a goodbye. We now left the world of light and placed our lives into the hands of the unseen. It made sense. Makes sense. The light must now be carried within so that when the sun returns, we can then unite with it too. There is a stoic melancholy. The laughter is brave. The revelries hold back tears. Nothing can stop it, and so we must go on. How we do this, we can choose. We hold each other, make promises and give each other comfort. Change is inevitable. This time next year, everything will be different, remember that.

I really don't want to be with anyone else. Not really. I just want to be alone.

I need to grab hold of my life. A new half term begins and I must be ready.

I went running in Stormont this morning again. Up that hill. It gets easier all the time. Then into the forest, through the paths. It takes me just under 25 minutes now. I do sit ups in the outdoor gym. 50. Whenever I run up that hill I can't believe what it used to be. The hill where people betrayed each other over and over again. Where promises were made. Where people begged and pleaded. And now - empty, on this morning.

In the forest there are a few streams. They are filled with leaves. The entire place is filled with the amber light of fall. It feels like I am running in honey, I can almost smell it in the air. I run faster and faster as I approach the end of my run. I am almost there. It feels good to be this fit again. Two months of running, two months of promises kept.

I have not written at all over the past few days. My head has been in transition. Everything around the world is collapsing. There are protests in Iran, in the Lebenon, in Chile, in Hong Kong... there are marches weekly in London. There is now an election coming in December. They are now just being silly. They don't know what's next, They are making things up as they go along. There is an acknowledgement from mainstream culture of the absurdity, the cynicism - when Joker is your hero then you know you are in Through the Looking Glass territory.

Before the film came on yesterday there was an advertisement for Le Mans. It seemed so dated. The men in it - Matt Damon and Christian Bale - were past it. Not just in their age, but also in the way they looked. The system they represented now was like them - vain, bloated, safe. Upon their faces the formulas were written. Like so many trailers now, it summarised the film and made it unnecessary for us to go and see the film. But more than that, their time had passed. Their shiny, juiced up faces, their clean living was on utter contrast to Phoenix's emaciation and chain smoking. Their reading to cues again in direct contrast to Phoenix's uncompromising commitment to the role. He WAS the Joker. They - they were the hands in the glove. It was uninspired and dull looking at them. Nothing will ever be the same again.

What is happening? Right, time for lunch and then organising tonight. As the clocks wind down, we become who we are meant to be, a new year begins once again.