#292 - A strange, quick week

My first hand made book - bound in leather

All part of a process

I made my first hand made book yesterday - i think it may become an addiction. I think I may end up just becoming a book maker, like literally. It was sooooo satisfying and delightful. At the end of the evening i had a super gorgeous book which I made ALL BY MYSELF. And working with leather and paper the two most favourite things of mine in the world - oh man oh man oh man.

I have now come to a place of stillness, a place of understanding. Right now, I just want to thank the universe for giving everything to me. I did my insurance for the car yesterday. It is more than 40% cheaper than it was last year.

So that was a result. It is still expensive - but you know, it isn't Singapore so I am thankful for little mercies. I was exhausted after the bookmaking workshop. It was so wonderful really. So I didn't go for my run yesterday morning.

When I got back home yesterday, despite having done STUFF the whole afternoon, I still hadn't finished what I was supposed to. I just wonder how the HECK I did everything I used to do with that full time teaching job. It is mental.

But nonetheless, here we are. A head full of hair that will take any colour, any colour at all. I don't dye it on a regular basis because I think that's really bad for the hair, but thankfully we do not live in the tyranny of the age when women had to dye their hair and conceal their age. Not that it would have made a difference to me anyways.

So, I got up around 10.30 pm after sleeping when I got home - had a quick and dirty dinner of fried meatballs with salsa sauce and bread - and then watched the very depressing discussion on Brexit in Spotlight. After that there was Question Time. If working with children is like working with slightly drunk people all the time, listening to politicians was like listening to very drunk people. What are these people on? Are their agendas now laid bare because of the polarisation, or were they always this incoherent and contradictory and really, very stupid? Of course they were, or else the world would not be in the state it is in.

Listening to the way the Brits discuss Ireland, it is just shocking. If I didn't believe how stupid the English Conservatives were previously, it would have surpassed all doubt now. Their stubbornness and REFUSAL to treat Ireland like it is a sovereign state is just breathtaking. It is as if they are grandstanding for the sake of grandstanding. They don't seem to have understood that they were responsible for this gigantic fuck up and don't want to concede what they need to concede. It is like they thought they were being very clever but didn't realise the were playing the game on the edge of a crumbling cliff and now it has become apparent and the cliff is fast disintegrating and they really now can't admit that they want back in. The circle cannot be squared. It simply can't.

I met Kevin yesterday. He had an awful week. A friend of his had died of a sudden hemorrhage. It was such a shock for him. I told him about now new arrangements and he said to me you look really great. You look ten years younger. The last time I saw you you for the first time I thought, Steph looks older you know. She is becoming middle aged. I laughed. But now look at you. You are just glowing. You look so different. This is the third time someone told me this in a week. You are looking just great. Oisin said, see, working for yourself. Well, I ain't earning anything yet, but you know what, I will be. Slowly, slowly. There is no rush. Everything happens in good time.

Anyhow tomorrow is Friday.

When I look back on this week I am sure I will realise how it saved my life. The breakthrough I made in consciousness has been humbling. I now realised where I have gone wrong and I ask for forgiveness from all those whom I have wronged in ignorance as well as in suffering. Because whenever I wronged someone consciously I suffered. We wrong others only because we suffer.

I suppose that is compassion. It doesn't mean I have to stick round to be a martyr, but it does mean that I am able to let go the pain and forgive, or be kind, or see the person before us.

I like the person I am becoming - and I am becoming lighter and lighter. That's what it feels like. It also feels like I am becoming closer to myself. Who I am by letting who I am go. I can't explain it, honestly I can't. It feels like... a well balanced wheel, with the axle turning where my heart is.

But I want to thank the universe for helping choose this path, I am so full of gratitude.