#319 - The Troubles

Bogside mural

How did I end up in Northern Ireland and what happened when I arrived here? Why wasn't I afraid, why wasn't I deterred. Over and over again would ask me, what are you doing here? Why are you here? And of course, I would say, I married a Derryman. For my sins. But really, the reason I was in Ireland was, when I arrived here, it is inexplicable, I felt I had come home.

I had never ever thought of visiting Ireland. When I was here studying, I saw Scotland, Wales, Cornwall, the Midlands, even Blackpool - I had been everywhere and really, apart from Cornwall, I never really wanted to LIVE anywhere in the UK. How I ended up here was the invitation from Peter to visit him. But once I got here and I was shown Kinnegoe Bay, I knew I had come home. Derry, the North West, Donegal, the Atlantic. Cork. Dublin. These places, the people - their history would become MY history, their struggle became my struggle.

I instantly identified with the nationalists. Having been colonised myself and all my life been baffled my this heritage, I understood the scream from within. I knew nothing about the history of Ireland, but once I arrived, I could not stop finding out about it. And the more I knew, the more I knew I wanted to be part of the story.

It wasn't just the story, it was also the island. The fay-like nature, the thinness of the veils, the love for language, the landscape still scraped raw and of course, the Atlantic... so much of Ireland had been left still in time. Shops still called carbonated drinks Minerals, there was an authenticity which cut right through the illusions of the material. The beaches were deserted, the skies endless. Standing on the edge of the Atlantic meant that the entire ocean was singing to you. It was this which in the end won me out.

I suppose I could have had chosen to have lived in other parts of the world, but Ireland called to me. I answered. I would be here.

I was never ever afraid. Watching the footage of the history of the Troubles though, I don't understand why I wasn't afraid. Nothing, certain not the peace we have today, was certain. Even in 1998 they were all still yelling at each other. For years and years after Drumcree and East Belfast were running sores. The Assembly, I didn't realise this had been suspended for four and a half years after it was set up. I recalled then how Peter ended up in the university and then working for the Green Party or Sinn Fein in the Dail. All the time, the boys were growing up.

I discovered Northern Ireland for myself. Bit by bit. At first, it was Derry and then Inishowen. Then Donegal... after that... the rest of Ireland followed. About four months ago I sat in a cafe in Ballycastle and named all the places I had been to... I was astonished how I have covered much of the island. I always felt that I had never been to most of the island when the truth is that there are now few places I have not visited.

In Derry we always felt safe. Always. We were among friends. Derrywans are not racist. Their solidarity was to the dispossessed, the immigrants, those who suffered. They suffered along with them. In Derry I worked with all kinds of people - I worked in Limavady, I worked in Derry itself. I worked in the Playhouse, I worked in Singularity.

I have worked all my life here. Apart from the few months I took to complete my thesis. I finished it in March I think and then, I began working almost immediately. I never ever stopped working. 

Then, we moved to Belfast. I only spent four years in Derry and yet it seemed like I had spent a lifetime. To me Northern Ireland is always Derry. I always maintained a link with it. After that I worked with the RSPB. I stayed there for ten years. During those ten years I learned so much. So much about the wildlife of the place. So much about conservation. So much about human nature. I traveled all over the UK. Scotland, Wales, so many reserves. I met so many English people. Really, so many. I discovered the power of careerism. How horrible people could be. But also how wonderful they were. Ten years. Ten years does not seem like a short time... because it is not. Then I began working in the school.

I have now been here for almost eight years. Eight years. It is incredible. Here I learnt, if it was possible, even more. I knew this - I knew I would end up learning this much. I learned how to be with children, I learned how to teach. I learned about the poison of staying in a place for too long. I learned how to grow up. Possibly, this was my biggest lesson. Grow the fuck up. I don't know how come I couldn't learn this earlier. In fact I only learned this about a month ago.

Still, I guess it's never too late.

Watching the Spotlight series on The Troubles was mind boggling. I think because putting the narrative together like that, it just seems so insane. People just taking one blind step after another. A game of call and answer but with far more violence and blood. I knew from studying the 100 year war and then the 30 years war and then reading all of Shakespeare's History Plays that

a) Conflicts often last for thirty years - because people get very tired after fighting and just give up and want peace - so one generation is usually mired in war.

b) Wars only end when one side - or possibly both sides - run out of money. 

c) People are greedy, selfish and cynical.

d) Power is irrational

The years have not been kind of Ian Paisley. He appears to be a monster in the film so far. I do not think that enough has been made of his evilness really.  The DUP are a party which are composed of only the people who would vote for Trump. People who do not want to share any kind of power, who believe that they are God's Chosen People and that they should be allowed to do whatever they want. Of course underlying everything is the terrible fear - the fear of the retribution of history. So deeply deeply mired and compromised, layer upon layer upon layer of complexity which in the end comes out as incoherent, dispossessed outrage - this sort of scream... the scream of the unheard.

When people nail their colours to the mast, when it is ok to hate, to declare publicly that it is ok to detest someone else because of their religion, their race, their gender... that is when fear is sowed. All those flags being waved as people took their insistence that power sharing be demolished after Sunningdale... what else were the Nationalist minority supposed to think?

How can it be ok to then stoke those flames? Ian Paisley - I think that maybe he was not a well man and yet somehow he was able to convince people to follow him convince them it was alright to behave the way they ended up behaving. 

Here I am... here I am. I am still here. After all this.

I don't understand, how was I not afraid? Perhaps living in Derry made me feel safe. I am off to the cinema now. It is almost Halloween. I will get up tomorrow, go for my run, do the last bit of planning and then do more admin. Get ready for the coming week. So much to think about really.