#303 - Resetting again

This week's blackboard drawing - Ancient Egypt
From the Papyrus of Ani - Anubis and Ani -
the weighing of the heart

I have decided that I am no longer perimenopausing. It appears that the period is now back with a vengeance and behaving pretty much as periods behave. I have more or less given up with this notion, even though two years ago I was having hot flushes for months on end and last year my period had no idea if it was coming or going.

What I HAVE decided, is what I told Oisin: I am no longer going run when I am having my period. The pros do not outweigh the cons. In fact by running during the period I totally wiped myself out and that was pretty damn stupid.

So whenever that baby arrives, I will just take it as a sign to not go running. It will be my rest week.

This last week, as a result was utterly, utterly draining. Everything felt like it had lead weights on it. Running, walking, getting up, writing - just everything. It was also accompanied with the question, "WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!?" There is no fucking point is there? Not really, we just give ourselves reasons to go on, really when you think about it. This is probably why religion was invented, so that we could pretend that there was all a higher purpose. There is no higher purpose, not really. And that's ok. This is why we invent certificates, medals, awards, galleries, whatever it is. It is just a way of patting our collective selves on the back.

I went to see a film yesterday. It was OK. It was a weird film. It was called The Bump Along the Way. Usually with films you sort of understand what the film is going to be about 15 or even an hour into the film. But this film, it was impossible to tell. Was it a celebration? Was it a snapshot? Was it about the relationship of women? Was it about life in Derry? Hard to tell. In the end, it was a cliche. There were some good moments, but there were also some weird moments. Like the house on the outside didn't look like the house on the inside. In fact it didn't look like any house in Derry within the city limits any ways. The relationship between the mother and the daughter was inconsistent. I suppose that was probably the best part of the story. I suppose it was a Norn Irish film about a woman getting knocked up after a one night stand and the consequences of that - keeping the baby... what is interesting is that it is a story which isn't so far fetched in terms of premise. What I have discovered about Norn Iron is that pretty much everything still goes. Despite the sectarian war which is based on religion, there isn't much religion - apart from the draconian abortion laws - in the rest of the country.

Well, everything has returned to its normal shape now, thank god.

Although the rest of the world is mostly falling apart. Between natural disasters, stupid politicians doing idiotic things, people with less and less to lose, the superrich who are in a toxic state of denial, people who are frustrated and want to do something about it... then the people who are being attacked and bombed through no fault of their own. What I'd really like to know is for how long did the people who created this mess think they were going to get away with it? I suppose for pretty long is the answer. 

And I suppose they got away with it for a pretty long time. Now the chickens are all coming home to roost in a bad way and really, all at the same time. So, we were right and they were wrong. In many ways it is quite annoying to be proved right in this way. It would have been much better if they had taken sound advice, had some imagination, and then changed direction to avoid this catastrophe. Why am I not worried? I should be worried. But I am not worried. Possibly because I think I don't have a lot to lose.

I'm sure I am perfectly wrong about this.

But really... I should be more worried right?

However, what is the point of worrying?

I am going birdwatching today - yay!!! The nice thing about birdwatching is that even if no one turns up, it is still going to be amazing. Hoping the weather plays ball... I think it will.

I have decided that I am now give myself permission to feel really happy - not smug, but happy. And sad as well. This is possible. As long as I have gratitude as well for both - happiness and sorrow. I have also discovered how many times I end up hiding myself away. So, over the past two days I did not do this... instead I went up to talk to people. It has been really liberating. It is still tough, but a good tough.

I am so happy really. Small happinesses. Micro happinesses. I discover happiness is not contingent on wealth, although you do need to have enough to be comfortable. It is not contingent on someone else - only I can give myself permission to feel sad or hurt or angry or whatever - no one else is capable of doing that to me. It would have been great if I learned this lesson earlier. Instead being slave to my feelings and emotions. I am so grateful to EVERYTHING I have been through - I now know that if I survive anything, it will all be right in the end. Once the entire thing levels out, it will be fine. And no one can know what lies around the corner. 

I am running, I am fitter and healthier than I have been in years. I have stopped drinking to excess. I am writing, I am drawing, I am enjoying the company of myself and the company of others. I have learnt to love people and all their flaws, rather than be angry with their shortcomings and to judge them. This does not mean condoning their poor behaviour, in fact because I have stopped judging them, I can see them, I can witness them. And witness myself. And that is what people want, that's all to be witnessed. To be seen.

So, I see it all.

Everyday, as I practice three new mantras, I find them nourishing me, making me stronger. 

Yesterday, we watched Beowulf - the Ray Winstone and Anthony Hopkins animation. I had no idea that Neil Gaiman had written the screenplay. I remember being so fascinated by the computer graphics, which now seem so stiff and staid. So, today... I will need to do some planning and then I will go for my run. Then I will clean the garden and go for the birdwatching thing. 

So, what IS the point? What IS the point of life? There is no point. We are here to be good to each other, and that is all.

It is now two weeks to the end of half term. We are going to be very busy till then. A play to rehearse. Work to be fitted in. We will do the Nile and the Crocodile and Hippopotamus. And we will do the plants of the Nile delta. And the Book of the Dead.

We only have a week, so...

Right... to the rest of the day. I love the dark... the dark is my friend. It shields me and holds me and comforts me. It hides me. I love the dark.