#299 - The unraveling into the rest of the year

Beautiful morning - just still and calm, just a morning of mornings.

It is October 8th. The weeks are passing very very quickly. We are slowly travelling towards the darkness of the year. The evenings are encroaching and my god, for the first time in forever, I am alive again. I wake now at 4 am, if I sleep early enough, with no help. I am writing and playing the piano and getting my life in order. I am running and cooking and cleaning - the only thing I have to put into place now is gardening.

I don't know how many more times I am going to have my period, but it doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is that I am doing my best to keep myself in good nick.

When I think back to when I began this blog what a different place the world was then. I am going to take at least one photograph of the boys everyday. And of myself. And something from my life.

How did I ever cope with working full time and looking after the boys? It can be argued that I am going to do this when I start up the new business, but it feels different. The energy is different when you have your own business. I also think that I am doing good. A good thing.

There have been several opportunities to practise my new mantra. Sometimes, when I have breakthroughs like this I wonder why it took me so long, so long to get here. I mean all of the things I discovered I was told a million times by other people previously. Don't let them get under your skin... to be honest, most people just commiserated with me. I think there must be something about being ready to hear stuff and being ready and able to take it on.

It is hard, it is tough.

Hmmm... I can feel a coughy thing in my throat. I am not getting sick. I refuse.

So, my days are now rolling out like this.

After school, I get home, have something simple to eat, chill and then get started on whatever I need to get started with. I have decided that I will play the piano for fifteen minutes as part of the relaxation routine. Then Ghin comes back, normally I do a bit more work. But now Oisin has said we are going to have dinner at 6, this means that I get back for 5 to cook dinner for 6. We have dinner, and then I play a bit more piano, or draw/paint and then settle down to do class prep. Yesterday I did some mending after class prep. It is a civilised, good way to live. It is a life which is ordered.

The only thing I am not cracking is the gardening. I am going to do that today. CRACK THE GARDENING.

If I came home for 4.45 and then did fifteen minutes of gardening before I started doing dinner, that would work.

It feels great when things are done huh? Thank you universe. Please help me to continue doing this. Even if nothing comes of it, having this structure has been so nourishing for my soul.

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Lemuria... there is something which has been written out of me around it. I feel like I am hitting a false note. And yet, my longing to return to Lemuria. What is the problem here? The problem is the joint between paradise, the idea of paradise and the arrival of the human being. Because the truth is that the Earth is not paradise for the human being. Life her is fucking tough. Probably not just for us either. The Earth is not paradise. The Earth is fucking hard work.

And that is the circle we cannot square. How beautiful the Earth is and how shitty and tough it is as well. Apart from maybe if you lived in South East Asia. And why do we have to fight each other all the time? What is this insanity?

There is no one answer to anything. No big golden key to unlock the largest question: why are we here? The question we have asked each other from the beginning of time. I have really, really tried so hard to answer this and the only thing I have learnt is that my Heart is a Hearth - those lessons along the way are the most valuable ones.

Recently Oisin said something about me to me. I was commenting on how I was the only person running when I first arrived in Northern Ireland. To be honest, I was more or less the only person running in Singapore as well - it was not uncommon, but it was a bit weird to be running as much as I did. Now everyone is doing it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is a phase. I mean what people are doing - or a real shift in consciousness.

You don't like it Oisin said when other people do what you do. It is true though. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like other people now understand how wonderful these things are.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

It was funny though, I was saying to Kevin now with the health Nazis, it makes me want to go out there and smoke a hundred cigarettes a day. He said, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same.

I think it is the exaggeration which people do things with though. For instance, when they go cycling, there was a time when there was cycling gear and then there is cycling gear now. Cycling hear has always been horrible. I don't remember a time when it wasn't. People who cycle clearly have no sense of aesthetics. In fact people who do sports in general have no sense of aesthetics. Probably the reason why I never ended up watching sport is because everything is so ugly in it. Anyhow, there was regular cycling gear and then there was competition cycling gear. Now everyone just wears competition cycling gear. I mean how stupid is that?

Why are you wearing competition cycling gear when you are clearly not competing. Also it is ugly. And those sponsors, they paid you did they? This need to belong is something fascinating about human beings. People will belong at all costs.

Perhaps I am autistic after all. I would much rather be right or feel like I have done the right thing than belong.

I suppose I should try to do some writing now. I need to bring the Lemurian Choricles to a close. I am trying to understand what I want to write...

If I think of the rest of my life, it has always been about doing a good thing. Trying to make things better for people. Maybe 20 years ago, if I could be arsed... I would have written about the horrors, but what is the point now of the horrors? I am now trying to find that thread inside me, that truth, my truth. To write with that ring of what is true for me. A landscape I cannot see. I cannot see how we got from Creation to Lemuria. What was Lemuria like? What do I want it to be like?