#314 - Bedrest

The turning of the year

Yesterday's Nice Thing - I stayed in bed ALLLLLL day

With the end of half term, I just ended up in bed all day. There was this thing on Friday night, and it really was stupid of me to try and go for it, but I had to, but I was utterly exhausted. Saturday I met someone, but Sunday, I just fucking stayed in bed, watched Netflix and slept. The boys too had a sorta same weekend. I didn't care the sun was shining and I needed to garden desperately, I just had to sleep and sleep and lie down and sleep some more. I didn't even bother going for a run. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I watched all of Episodes, then Capote and finally, Inside No 9. It was like when I spent the entire day on the sofa channel surfing but this time in bed with Netflix.

When I look at my life, full-time jobs, NGOs, studying, full-time job and working mom, and more courses and studying... and now, new business. I have always, ALWAYS just had a very very full life. So, yes, I am allowed to be tired every now and then. Of course I am.

And I am REALLY REALLY glad that I am working 2/3rd time in school. It has made such a huge difference to my life.

Today is any housework left because Peter did some housework yesterday - washing the dishes and doing his laundry - and then I'm going for a run and then coffee...

So, when I look back on that term, it has been life changing in so many ways. Firstly, having realised that letting people under my skin is a choice, this has dramatically changed my life. The mantras which I have put in place are mantras which are saving me. I have made such a huge start on things that matter and I have managed to continue with the running and losing weight.

Yes, I AM tired after school, but I'm also slowly getting my strength back. I am establishing good, healthy patterns. Without being an asshole.

It will be November in a few days. I don't think I have ever been this strong going into November, not for a long long time. It feels like time has just slipped and slipped away... constantly. It has felt good to readjust everything. To reorientate and refocus to the future and the light.

When I look back on things, I have to say, that life has been so easy. Everywhere I've been and everything I've done, I have to be so grateful. Life is easy. Yes, it is also difficult, but it is also easy. I think of the places I have lived in and the people I have met and the things I've done and the blessings which have unfolded the only feeling I have is one of overwhelming gratitude. People are good. They really are good and yet they would have us believe they are awful and evil.

I was watching this video about alt-right thinking. As if I needed a video to explain it to me, having come from a fairly conservative background. I had to effectively find my way out of that maze by extrapolating the thinking of what this eventually led to, which is not hard if you studied colonialism and feminism. Suddenly the entire structure of the world's nervous system is exposed and you realise that my god, that self-determinism is only meant for a very small group of people - mostly male and mostly of the so called dominant culture. So in Singapore, for instance it is Chinese men from a certain income group. In Europe it is White Men of a certain income group... etc...

Around the world the dominant discourse is controlled by neoliberalism and the people who are in charge of that are the unimaginative - because the only thing they believe is that the economy defined by GDP rules everything. So it is ok to trash a rainforest because it has no inherent economic value - since we don't pay for the Earth's services. It means nothing.

Anyways... I had two super strange dreams on Friday morning then one on Saturday night. The Friday morning one was the weirder one. I dreamt that my legs were filled with inverts... like centipedes and tapeworms and other  really gross things, and whenever I stamped my legs, these creepy crawlies would fall out of my leg. There were so many of them, and eventually, my leg actually became smaller... it was so real too. And then on Saturday I dreamt of trying to pack up and leave because there was a revolution - we were in a massive house, like Versailles large, and the entire place was filled with toilets which I couldn't use... because obviously I needed to go to the bathroom. It was so strange. Just really vivid and realistic.

Well, today will be chilled too. I'm going for a run and then coming back to have breakfast and plan at the General Merchants with coffee.

I have spent this year listening to music, blogging regularly, going inside but also starting something new. I have learnt something huge this year about myself and I have come to rest. To be at peace, to be content.

I understand the rhythms of the year now... I am discovering this new layer within myself. This new layer which is slowly prising itself, coming away from the surface and within there are all kinds of wondrous new designs and possibilities which have been creating themselves. It really does feel like a new beginning.

Samhain.