#94
Yesterday's Nice Thing: Just allowing myself to not do an awful lot.
Yesterday I had a breakthrough. I was about too react to a scenario which had been played out a million times before in the same way. And then I stopped. I thought, nope, I am not going to let this happen to myself. I stopped the record and let myself get off the carousel. I can't save someone else, but in any interaction I can at least save myself. It is much easier to do this with people at one or two arms lengths away from yourself, but much much harder to do this to people who have hurt you.
I was fuming away when a weetle voice in my head said to me, I thought you told yourself you were better than this. And I replied, yes, I am. So, where is the better when it matters? And I said, yep, you are right.
So, I switched the record. Let's just stay home and I'll cook dinner. We'll have a really nice meal at home. Which is what we did. We laughed a lot and Ghin recalled Monty Python's The World's Funniest Joke and he said, what the hell was that all about? So weird...
After that I went to sleep.
I have been dozing a lot. And I mean a LOT. I know I need that. That's OK, I have to tell myself. Doze when you can.
I watched Warrior and The Tenant yesterday too. Two very different and very good films, in their own way. I didn't realise Warrior was so old. Tom Hardy looked crazy in it. Possibly it was what brought MMA into the mainstream. It is pretty rough MMA. It appears there are rules, but what they are I am not sure. Watching two men beat each other up was not my idea of a good time, but that the film opened with quotes from Moby Dick, that is what got me to stay.
Today, I think Cash is coming over. We had Kai yesterday. After this blog I am going to go running, as usual. Weirdly, I appear to have lost weight over the past few days. I cannot account for this. It really is like my body is going through a transformation as well. My hair is shinier, my skin more radiant. I don't know why this is... maybe the three days of running although I have never experienced this level of transformation in my three days of running before. I also feel ALIVE. All of spring is resonating with me. I was once told that 'getting better' after an illness isn't just going back to where you were, it is actually being better than when you started off. I suppose because everything is relative, but also, possibly when you are ill your soul is clarifying things as well. I don't think we really understand the role of illnesses - non chronic illness - in our lives.
Steiner said that illness was caused by the astral body out of synch with the etheric and this had an effect on the physical body. This means that in order to process the illness, it is the astral body, with the etheric that needs addressing the most. When we take medicine though, that only affects the physical body - it masks symptoms. Better remedies work with the etheric. But the best ones enable the astral to process itself. This takes time and quite often during this time a person can experience a real crisis of self. The best doctor works on all these levels, with a spirit connection. To bring comfort to the physical body - make it comfortable while realigning the etheric and healing the astral body.
I feel sorry for people who think the world is only a physical manifestation. It isn't only physical. Everything is interconnected I can see that now. It is obvious. Everything we do and say has a ripple effect on everything else. I understand this in the core of my person. Our crimes are not isolated. Neither are our blessings.
The best way to be is to seek authenticity. Try to seek out your true resonance and in doing so, you are tuning yourself at the same time. Our mission here was preordained before we arrive, it is easy for me to believe that now because of the life I have had. Possibly also because I am a positive person. But when I look back on it, see how I followed a call which I had no idea about, and have become the person I have become, it is difficult for me to not come to the conclusion that I was following these invisible clues which I had laid out - in collusion with the universe, of course.
What is thy will and what does my heart tell me? It is the only way which makes sense for me.
So, I sit here, drinking coffee, listening to dailed down beats, with Gary, our cat. I have just watered the seeds which need watering. I note with some delight that a few which have apparently been unable to do anything for almost a month are now starting to push through. There is a stray calendula blossoming in the corner of the garden. It's saffron audacity is a cheer to the heart. I would grow the entire garden with calendula and nasturtium I think.
Again, in my veins courses something other than blood. Steiner said that if we could see blood in its original state, it would be whirling upwards, like a double helix. That's what it feels like for me now - the blood seems to be doing something other than what it used to do. A sweetness, an exquisition which pulses, which effervesces in my heart. Everything tells me I am where I am supposed to be. For a sacrilegious moment I think, I want nothing to change. How many times have I said that? This is perfect, nothing must move. The spheres, the stars, the wind across the waves on the ocean - everything is to be still so that I may be here forever. And then, it all moves inexorably onwards. Because life is movement. Because of this, everything is possible.
How could I have been so miserable a month ago? I looked at my calendar to see when I had last run. It was three weeks ago. I was in recovery from the struggle with my hormonal angel. Now, here I am.
I am now going to go for a run. Yesterday, I actively chose happiness. Actively. I also know something now - sad people want you to be sad because they can't help it. That's alright. But that is not my task. What sad people want you to do is empathise - but never at your own expense. I understand this now. But it is not my task at this moment in time to walk any of that road.
Yesterday was a real breakthrough. I understand it now. To be able to give from a place of strength, rather than to give in expectation of receiving. And in case I feel like beating myself up about it, I know that I could not have done this before now. I have always aspired to it, but like some athlete I was unable to do it - until now. It is a bit like breaking the four-minute mile. Again, it was a superpower which I had never looked for, but now, here it is.
I am grateful. Thank you.
Yesterday I had a breakthrough. I was about too react to a scenario which had been played out a million times before in the same way. And then I stopped. I thought, nope, I am not going to let this happen to myself. I stopped the record and let myself get off the carousel. I can't save someone else, but in any interaction I can at least save myself. It is much easier to do this with people at one or two arms lengths away from yourself, but much much harder to do this to people who have hurt you.
I was fuming away when a weetle voice in my head said to me, I thought you told yourself you were better than this. And I replied, yes, I am. So, where is the better when it matters? And I said, yep, you are right.
So, I switched the record. Let's just stay home and I'll cook dinner. We'll have a really nice meal at home. Which is what we did. We laughed a lot and Ghin recalled Monty Python's The World's Funniest Joke and he said, what the hell was that all about? So weird...
After that I went to sleep.
I have been dozing a lot. And I mean a LOT. I know I need that. That's OK, I have to tell myself. Doze when you can.
I watched Warrior and The Tenant yesterday too. Two very different and very good films, in their own way. I didn't realise Warrior was so old. Tom Hardy looked crazy in it. Possibly it was what brought MMA into the mainstream. It is pretty rough MMA. It appears there are rules, but what they are I am not sure. Watching two men beat each other up was not my idea of a good time, but that the film opened with quotes from Moby Dick, that is what got me to stay.
Today, I think Cash is coming over. We had Kai yesterday. After this blog I am going to go running, as usual. Weirdly, I appear to have lost weight over the past few days. I cannot account for this. It really is like my body is going through a transformation as well. My hair is shinier, my skin more radiant. I don't know why this is... maybe the three days of running although I have never experienced this level of transformation in my three days of running before. I also feel ALIVE. All of spring is resonating with me. I was once told that 'getting better' after an illness isn't just going back to where you were, it is actually being better than when you started off. I suppose because everything is relative, but also, possibly when you are ill your soul is clarifying things as well. I don't think we really understand the role of illnesses - non chronic illness - in our lives.
Steiner said that illness was caused by the astral body out of synch with the etheric and this had an effect on the physical body. This means that in order to process the illness, it is the astral body, with the etheric that needs addressing the most. When we take medicine though, that only affects the physical body - it masks symptoms. Better remedies work with the etheric. But the best ones enable the astral to process itself. This takes time and quite often during this time a person can experience a real crisis of self. The best doctor works on all these levels, with a spirit connection. To bring comfort to the physical body - make it comfortable while realigning the etheric and healing the astral body.
I feel sorry for people who think the world is only a physical manifestation. It isn't only physical. Everything is interconnected I can see that now. It is obvious. Everything we do and say has a ripple effect on everything else. I understand this in the core of my person. Our crimes are not isolated. Neither are our blessings.
The best way to be is to seek authenticity. Try to seek out your true resonance and in doing so, you are tuning yourself at the same time. Our mission here was preordained before we arrive, it is easy for me to believe that now because of the life I have had. Possibly also because I am a positive person. But when I look back on it, see how I followed a call which I had no idea about, and have become the person I have become, it is difficult for me to not come to the conclusion that I was following these invisible clues which I had laid out - in collusion with the universe, of course.
What is thy will and what does my heart tell me? It is the only way which makes sense for me.
So, I sit here, drinking coffee, listening to dailed down beats, with Gary, our cat. I have just watered the seeds which need watering. I note with some delight that a few which have apparently been unable to do anything for almost a month are now starting to push through. There is a stray calendula blossoming in the corner of the garden. It's saffron audacity is a cheer to the heart. I would grow the entire garden with calendula and nasturtium I think.
Again, in my veins courses something other than blood. Steiner said that if we could see blood in its original state, it would be whirling upwards, like a double helix. That's what it feels like for me now - the blood seems to be doing something other than what it used to do. A sweetness, an exquisition which pulses, which effervesces in my heart. Everything tells me I am where I am supposed to be. For a sacrilegious moment I think, I want nothing to change. How many times have I said that? This is perfect, nothing must move. The spheres, the stars, the wind across the waves on the ocean - everything is to be still so that I may be here forever. And then, it all moves inexorably onwards. Because life is movement. Because of this, everything is possible.
How could I have been so miserable a month ago? I looked at my calendar to see when I had last run. It was three weeks ago. I was in recovery from the struggle with my hormonal angel. Now, here I am.
I am now going to go for a run. Yesterday, I actively chose happiness. Actively. I also know something now - sad people want you to be sad because they can't help it. That's alright. But that is not my task. What sad people want you to do is empathise - but never at your own expense. I understand this now. But it is not my task at this moment in time to walk any of that road.
Yesterday was a real breakthrough. I understand it now. To be able to give from a place of strength, rather than to give in expectation of receiving. And in case I feel like beating myself up about it, I know that I could not have done this before now. I have always aspired to it, but like some athlete I was unable to do it - until now. It is a bit like breaking the four-minute mile. Again, it was a superpower which I had never looked for, but now, here it is.
I am grateful. Thank you.
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