#110 - Rain today

My cat and my son - and me

Everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true now. I know that as long as I do something for the right reason, whatever the outcome, I will be satisfied. I know that if things are meant to be, they will be. There is no need to worry and fret and wail. Whatever happens will happen.

This include disaster - or benediction. I am not a fatalist. Just someone who knows everything is in the lap of the gods - what I am in control of is leading the best possible life and being my best possible self - the best possible self which I can muster.

I told my mom I dreamt of someone whom I hadn't dreamt of for a long time. She teased me about it and I said, I knew it... I knew you were going to do that. I said, look, we were young and we had fun. We lived the lives of young people - when were you going to do that? When you are old, as part of a midlife crisis? No. We had a really great time doing all of that - yes there were tears, yes there was heartbreak, but really when all was said and done - they are great memories when certainly I can look back and go - that was real. For real.

I never look back and wonder what if. Never. Honestly. I only look forward. I never hanker. And these aren't merely brave words. If i ever do look back and have this mix of feelings. Mostly feeling wow, that was incredible - i did all those things. If someone had said to me at the very start, this is the life you are going to lead, I would say, absolutely, yes please. And for the times when I was heartbroken or deep in places which I thought I would never emerge from, what did I learn? Well, not to do those things again, sure but more importantly, I survived and I also learned how forgiving and amazing the world is. How it is filled with kindness and love and forgiveness. And I learned not to be such a smartarse.

My mother is the witness to everything in my life. I cannot imagine being her. When I was at my most infuriating she would say to me I hope you have children who are exactly like you - as good and as bad as you - then you will know what I went through. To date my sons appear to be doing alright, but I am not holding my breath. At some stage, I am sure that hell will have to be paid for. Then, my mother's words will return to haunt me.

I think, possibly because of this, I am quite free with Oisin who has gone into fairly dangerous sports. Like parkour. Climbing buildings, running from police, etc. That is what they do at age 15 - 16. They can't help it. I am glad it isn't sex, drugs, alcohol, etc... Not only that he has also learnt how to make friends with people from different communities. There is no merit in stopping them doing something they are obviously going to do - except that they will do it behind your back.

However, I am sure that my days of reckoning are before me. I can only hope that I am as patient and as endlessly loving as my mother - and father - have been all their lives. Endlessly.

What is life after all if it is not to be experienced to its fullest extent?

To beauty and the power and the magical possibilities that make their way out of a cloud of nothingness.

What is the point of playing it safe all the time? Putting yourself on the line is the only way to live. I have never noticed how conservative people are - conservatives are motivated by fear. That is what I mean by conservative. Recently my sister reminded me of my very first interview - for the PSC scholarship. I was never drilled for any interview. I always just walked it and did it. I was asked, at the end, If you met a tiger in a forest, what would you do? I said, I would just stand there. Would you not run? No, I said, the tiger would outrun me. And would you be afraid? No, I said, what is the point of being afraid, the tiger is going to do what a tiger always does.

It was good to remember this - there is no point being afraid, life is going to do what life always does. I can only say yes or no to it.

Life presents us with opportunities and we can either take them or walk away. What would be utterly utterly wrong is to not accept a challenge because we were afraid of - of - what? There is no such thing as failing. No there isn't. There is a story and that is the incredible thing about life - so when I look back - I am delighted with what I see there. All of it. And I am deeply grateful to the universe for all the opportunities and gifts it has given me in abundance.