#77
My blog isn't what it used to be. It used to be the place where I could pour out my entire heart because there was such a thing as being online and respecting that online honesty. More than ten years since I began this blog, on the Internet is a very different beast.
It has changed the world for the worse - on balance. It is managed to amplify the neuroses so inherent in human beings. Whether it is addiction, disrespect, insecurity, superficiality... vanity - you name it It is the repository of the human trash which we can muster. It is sort of like - there used to be this series called Eurotrash on TV in the 1980s. It is like that - but now five hundred times worse and all user generated trite crap.
Even people who claim to be thinking about the big questions - there is a weird element of self-promotion about it all. It used to be a place where I'd go to interact with people - now that interaction is tainted by no longer having a connection - as facile and intangible as it was - but all that data being increasingly monetised.
Having been through my hormonal storm, I have emerged, transformed. It has left me with more questions in its wake. For starters, it has made me question every aspect of my life.
I did try to blog this, but found it too hard - so I have filled journals with my struggles.
That was what the menopause did for me - it left no stone unturned. Everything was awash in the swash and backswash of hormones. It was unreal. I'd like to think I leave very little of my life unexamined, but it turns out there were still very dark corners to which I had not gone to before and it shone searchlights on them.
I had to question my motivations and what I planned to do for the future. I had to question everything. It really look at myself, and go. What the heck have I done here?
Then there was the more vexing question re the rest of the world. Dear god. We are in a divine mess.
There is government and then there is reality - the planet. The small matter of the sheer scale of inequality and how that is driving people into acts of sheer desperation. The hoarding of wealth - the political irresponsibility. It would seem that the entire world is now government by idiots and the greediest of vain idiots.
What is my contribution here? It just feels like the world is falling apart. Even more so than I thought was possible.
Finally, I have been on a spiritual journey - which pops up from time to time here. In it I have read and researched many things - what was my purpose, like most people the purpose was to find the 'source'. To try to understand that which lies behind the veil. This mystery which penetrates and permeates our very existence - to whom the question itself suggests the existence of an answer. To this end I began researching the Tarot and the Western gnostic tradition. It was at this point that I became so untethered. It has been tough.
I think I just need to return to it all.
No more excuses.
That was what I set out to do, that is what I will continue doing. Back on the horse with a will.
Of course it is the end of term and I am exhausted. That helps too.
================
When all is said and done, what have we left? We have nothing - and we have our stories which trail in our wake. When all is said and done.
When we die, people mourn us, and then they move on, they have to. What is our legacy? Even the greatest monuments fall and collapse eventually.
What endures of us? Love?
What?
What endures of are our deeds? Our deeds. They must be our deeds.
And where do we deposit these?
Is that the question though? Is the question also... how do we live our days? Make our time here meaningful and worthwhile?
It is both? Where we solve one, the other is answered.
Do nothing for the sake of doing something.
=================
It has changed the world for the worse - on balance. It is managed to amplify the neuroses so inherent in human beings. Whether it is addiction, disrespect, insecurity, superficiality... vanity - you name it It is the repository of the human trash which we can muster. It is sort of like - there used to be this series called Eurotrash on TV in the 1980s. It is like that - but now five hundred times worse and all user generated trite crap.
Even people who claim to be thinking about the big questions - there is a weird element of self-promotion about it all. It used to be a place where I'd go to interact with people - now that interaction is tainted by no longer having a connection - as facile and intangible as it was - but all that data being increasingly monetised.
Having been through my hormonal storm, I have emerged, transformed. It has left me with more questions in its wake. For starters, it has made me question every aspect of my life.
I did try to blog this, but found it too hard - so I have filled journals with my struggles.
That was what the menopause did for me - it left no stone unturned. Everything was awash in the swash and backswash of hormones. It was unreal. I'd like to think I leave very little of my life unexamined, but it turns out there were still very dark corners to which I had not gone to before and it shone searchlights on them.
I had to question my motivations and what I planned to do for the future. I had to question everything. It really look at myself, and go. What the heck have I done here?
Then there was the more vexing question re the rest of the world. Dear god. We are in a divine mess.
There is government and then there is reality - the planet. The small matter of the sheer scale of inequality and how that is driving people into acts of sheer desperation. The hoarding of wealth - the political irresponsibility. It would seem that the entire world is now government by idiots and the greediest of vain idiots.
What is my contribution here? It just feels like the world is falling apart. Even more so than I thought was possible.
Finally, I have been on a spiritual journey - which pops up from time to time here. In it I have read and researched many things - what was my purpose, like most people the purpose was to find the 'source'. To try to understand that which lies behind the veil. This mystery which penetrates and permeates our very existence - to whom the question itself suggests the existence of an answer. To this end I began researching the Tarot and the Western gnostic tradition. It was at this point that I became so untethered. It has been tough.
I think I just need to return to it all.
No more excuses.
That was what I set out to do, that is what I will continue doing. Back on the horse with a will.
Of course it is the end of term and I am exhausted. That helps too.
================
When all is said and done, what have we left? We have nothing - and we have our stories which trail in our wake. When all is said and done.
When we die, people mourn us, and then they move on, they have to. What is our legacy? Even the greatest monuments fall and collapse eventually.
What endures of us? Love?
What?
What endures of are our deeds? Our deeds. They must be our deeds.
And where do we deposit these?
Is that the question though? Is the question also... how do we live our days? Make our time here meaningful and worthwhile?
It is both? Where we solve one, the other is answered.
Do nothing for the sake of doing something.
=================
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