#93
Yesterday's Nice Thing: Understanding what has been happening to me over the past two months
I used yesterday to write and think about everything, process everything which had taken place over the last few weeks and couple of months. There is no doubt that there has been a transformation, but I wasn't sure what that transformation entailed. All lessons which I had undergone, unbidden by my body, they needed crystalisation. They needed to be set in a ring. They were the jewels and I needed to find a setting with which to wear them.
All my life I have always done what I believed is right, even to my own 'detriment'. I have always followed my heart and rejected the trappings of status and power. I don't remember when this began, but I know I always argued with my father, with an adolescent's passion, swearing that I would leave Singapore if that was the last thing I did. I felt smothered, suffocated, babied, patronised and manipulated by the state especially. My parents just always wanted what was best for me. My ticket out was the PSC scholarship - and I just hammered those books as hard as I could to escape.
But in the process I loved my subjects. History, Geography and especially Literature. I had great teachers. I was supposed to study Economics and I dropped it like a hot stone. It never made sense to me - guns and butter and perfect markets. What nonsense was this? The words I understood on their own but the formulae... it is hypothetical, I was told. But these hypothesis are supposed to reflect the market, no, not the other way round? Does it ever get less abstract I asked... no, not really. So - yes, I was gone. On top of being unable to understand it, therefore just parroting it, I would end up having to do lots of pointless maths. MATHS. MATHS which I HATED.
I don't hate Maths anymore.
But there is a lesson in this - what I discovered was in my transformation over the years, over the many, many years, it was from the times which have been the most difficult that I have developed. I would never wish any of the horrible (relative) bits of my life on anyone else, but yes, well, objectively speaking, my biggest takeaway for this sense of serenity. This sense of having been given a gift which I had never asked for.
The image I had of myself was that of a magnificent, or the beginnings of a magnificent tree, in the forest. Dignified and serene. The craziness in my seemed to be no longer there - it had been burned in a crucible and it felt either gone or transformed into something else.
The things which drove me, they no longer drive me. This was the thing I had been trying to understand all these months - I can no longer depend on my will to drive me - it has been somehow burned away. The things that motivated me. It is now the other way round.
The meditation began with thinking of all the things I had explored, how I had always been interested in that which operated behind the veil. And I tried to explore every aspect of that. On a personal and philosophical level. I read, I traveled, I had conversations - but the most important thing was, I tried my best never to shy away from life. To not avoid danger. If danger was part of the path, if a risk had to be taken, I would take it if it was part of the answer to the question.
So, in the process, I became friends with many people. I loved without question. I became a mother. I became a wife. Oisin being 18 as well has enabled me to look back on our journey.
I suffered heartbreak. Disappointment. Severe pain in the process. But also such sweetness and joy. Such bliss.
I read, I read avidly. I have probably read enough mythology to write a thesis. I know where to go to to find out even more. I became and atheist and then I was able to believe in angel and demons. If there is evidence - we must follow it. The evidence I have is - people would not act the way they do if something else did not possess them. And I have seen people possessed. Especially when it comes to money and treating life cruelly. In a trance.
I looked at interdimensionality - read something of quantum physics. Read lots about the various dimensions. Looked at stories about the Ark and the Grail. Looked at stories about Atlantis. Looked at stories about the Nephilim. Studied Sacred Geometry. The hidden meanings in numbers. Looked at Alchemy. The Tarot. The meaning behind symbols and what they say about us.
On a practical level, I learned to garden and teach. I learned to clean my own house. I learned to do small things. Knit. To paint in watercolour. Identify birds. Plants. Herbalism.
I learned, most of all to travel.
And I traveled and in my travelling in became less and less interested in travelling for travels sake. It used to be a pilgrimage. Now I travel for friends. To be with friends and family - and that is enough.
And I became hard. Like a diamond. That to me, my life is the Diamond Sutra. That is what it means.
And the other thing about the past two years is that I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Probably the most unhealthy it has been my entire life. That is now gone. I drank trying to find answers and then it became drinking to numb the pain. And I see now the emptiness of the drinking to excess - that is utterly pointless. It was interesting when I stopped - it was a relief to know that the exhaustion which I felt was really related to the alcohol. It was related to the way I lived. When you give every iota of your being...
So the alcohol is now gone - the drinking like a maniac is now gone. I do not need to do this anymore. There is no truth in wine, after all.
I don't know why I have led such a life, except that without knowing it, it had led me here. It has made me the person I have become. I don't know what the next chapter of my life holds in store for me, except that I have never felt so... what is the word... I have never felt so... complete.
What is also interesting is that in the past there was always the feeling of completion but deep yearning in other stages of my life, and a little bit of - this I am lacking. But now, it feels like I have done what I have come here for. I have collected everything I have needed to and now ...
So the question is, what did I learn? Well, I learned that there is nothing behind the curtain - but that process of looking and asking deepens you. It is like a strange magic. So there might be something after all. The act of deepening my soul - I would not have it any other way. To retain the habit of wonder and questioning is one of the most important things which need to happen. Working on these questions, which are the most human of activities... the act of seeing, the warmth which we bring to apprehension - that is what stirs and makes magic. Nothing else. To see, to truly see.
And no one is better nor worse. Everyone is on their own path. To meet each person there is the greatest act of charity. But to not condone it - to not enable or encourage toxic behaviour.
That is what I have learnt. Everything is in plain sight. We just need to know how to see. That is true education. To really know how to see.
I used yesterday to write and think about everything, process everything which had taken place over the last few weeks and couple of months. There is no doubt that there has been a transformation, but I wasn't sure what that transformation entailed. All lessons which I had undergone, unbidden by my body, they needed crystalisation. They needed to be set in a ring. They were the jewels and I needed to find a setting with which to wear them.
All my life I have always done what I believed is right, even to my own 'detriment'. I have always followed my heart and rejected the trappings of status and power. I don't remember when this began, but I know I always argued with my father, with an adolescent's passion, swearing that I would leave Singapore if that was the last thing I did. I felt smothered, suffocated, babied, patronised and manipulated by the state especially. My parents just always wanted what was best for me. My ticket out was the PSC scholarship - and I just hammered those books as hard as I could to escape.
But in the process I loved my subjects. History, Geography and especially Literature. I had great teachers. I was supposed to study Economics and I dropped it like a hot stone. It never made sense to me - guns and butter and perfect markets. What nonsense was this? The words I understood on their own but the formulae... it is hypothetical, I was told. But these hypothesis are supposed to reflect the market, no, not the other way round? Does it ever get less abstract I asked... no, not really. So - yes, I was gone. On top of being unable to understand it, therefore just parroting it, I would end up having to do lots of pointless maths. MATHS. MATHS which I HATED.
I don't hate Maths anymore.
But there is a lesson in this - what I discovered was in my transformation over the years, over the many, many years, it was from the times which have been the most difficult that I have developed. I would never wish any of the horrible (relative) bits of my life on anyone else, but yes, well, objectively speaking, my biggest takeaway for this sense of serenity. This sense of having been given a gift which I had never asked for.
The image I had of myself was that of a magnificent, or the beginnings of a magnificent tree, in the forest. Dignified and serene. The craziness in my seemed to be no longer there - it had been burned in a crucible and it felt either gone or transformed into something else.
The things which drove me, they no longer drive me. This was the thing I had been trying to understand all these months - I can no longer depend on my will to drive me - it has been somehow burned away. The things that motivated me. It is now the other way round.
The meditation began with thinking of all the things I had explored, how I had always been interested in that which operated behind the veil. And I tried to explore every aspect of that. On a personal and philosophical level. I read, I traveled, I had conversations - but the most important thing was, I tried my best never to shy away from life. To not avoid danger. If danger was part of the path, if a risk had to be taken, I would take it if it was part of the answer to the question.
So, in the process, I became friends with many people. I loved without question. I became a mother. I became a wife. Oisin being 18 as well has enabled me to look back on our journey.
I suffered heartbreak. Disappointment. Severe pain in the process. But also such sweetness and joy. Such bliss.
I read, I read avidly. I have probably read enough mythology to write a thesis. I know where to go to to find out even more. I became and atheist and then I was able to believe in angel and demons. If there is evidence - we must follow it. The evidence I have is - people would not act the way they do if something else did not possess them. And I have seen people possessed. Especially when it comes to money and treating life cruelly. In a trance.
I looked at interdimensionality - read something of quantum physics. Read lots about the various dimensions. Looked at stories about the Ark and the Grail. Looked at stories about Atlantis. Looked at stories about the Nephilim. Studied Sacred Geometry. The hidden meanings in numbers. Looked at Alchemy. The Tarot. The meaning behind symbols and what they say about us.
On a practical level, I learned to garden and teach. I learned to clean my own house. I learned to do small things. Knit. To paint in watercolour. Identify birds. Plants. Herbalism.
I learned, most of all to travel.
And I traveled and in my travelling in became less and less interested in travelling for travels sake. It used to be a pilgrimage. Now I travel for friends. To be with friends and family - and that is enough.
And I became hard. Like a diamond. That to me, my life is the Diamond Sutra. That is what it means.
And the other thing about the past two years is that I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Probably the most unhealthy it has been my entire life. That is now gone. I drank trying to find answers and then it became drinking to numb the pain. And I see now the emptiness of the drinking to excess - that is utterly pointless. It was interesting when I stopped - it was a relief to know that the exhaustion which I felt was really related to the alcohol. It was related to the way I lived. When you give every iota of your being...
So the alcohol is now gone - the drinking like a maniac is now gone. I do not need to do this anymore. There is no truth in wine, after all.
I don't know why I have led such a life, except that without knowing it, it had led me here. It has made me the person I have become. I don't know what the next chapter of my life holds in store for me, except that I have never felt so... what is the word... I have never felt so... complete.
What is also interesting is that in the past there was always the feeling of completion but deep yearning in other stages of my life, and a little bit of - this I am lacking. But now, it feels like I have done what I have come here for. I have collected everything I have needed to and now ...
So the question is, what did I learn? Well, I learned that there is nothing behind the curtain - but that process of looking and asking deepens you. It is like a strange magic. So there might be something after all. The act of deepening my soul - I would not have it any other way. To retain the habit of wonder and questioning is one of the most important things which need to happen. Working on these questions, which are the most human of activities... the act of seeing, the warmth which we bring to apprehension - that is what stirs and makes magic. Nothing else. To see, to truly see.
And no one is better nor worse. Everyone is on their own path. To meet each person there is the greatest act of charity. But to not condone it - to not enable or encourage toxic behaviour.
That is what I have learnt. Everything is in plain sight. We just need to know how to see. That is true education. To really know how to see.
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