#6

It has been easy to do the writing and the running - for now. I know when term starts it will take all of my will to carry out even these simple things. The cleaning up has somewhat stalled in favour of binging series I have already watched before - Derry Girls. Yesterday we went to see Aquaman. I cannot believe that money can be spent on self indulgent rubbish like this. Artists have also lost their way. Their art is now being used in the same way craftsmen use their skills to come up with luxury liners for billionaires - or scientists who work on chemical weapons or engineers on bombs. The whole world presently seems compromised and corrupt. Is it any wonder that I have chosen to turn away from it? What is left? The small tiny bits that are left? They are dying. After they go we too will go. The Damned of the Compromised do not seem to understand this. You can have skill and intelligence and lack the ability to analyse, to read a situation. It appears it is now proven beyond doubt that education, even very high education can create morons, people pleasers, not courageous, brave individuals who are able to see through the maya. Such is our tragedy.

But the greatest of our tragedies is this: that when we are done fighting this war, crawling to the end of this miserable two centuries, or even half century, we will have destroyed the Earth utterly. We did not do that previously - previously the Earth carried on. We will probably have poisoned the Earth, compromised it so much too with our rape and use of natural resources that the post apocalyptic worlds which Mad Max and Waterworld depict is no longer fiction, but prophecy.

I woke up today at 5 am and a terrible feeling of dread coursed through me. It pumped through my veins till I felt as if my hands were radiating with it. I instantly said the Hail Mary and Our Father. It took a few of these before I calmed down. My hot flushes have returned and perhaps the hormones are playing havoc with my thoughts. But I was able to get these under control - so, this is what prayer is for, I realise, possibly too late. It is to calm yourself down before you go out to do something.

I think that not doing anything productive also has a very negative effect on me. It can make me a bit down. Binging on series gives me a mental hangover. 

At least I'm running today. Later on I will go to the Christian Community and then clean out the classroom. Then I will send Justin to Dublin and when I return more class prep.

Planning the week. I also have an annoying sorethroat and a troubling cough.

I'm listening to an Asda ad and I am tired of buying cheap food. I think the whole eating thing has to stop for the next month. Reset the entire system.

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The commodification of life.

Life is not a commodity. I think it is now getting harder and harder to see with the overuse of tech. It has turned into this shallow place in which you dip in and out of while going on 'trips' - whether they are chemical or electrical - and even literal. 

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My god, why do i feel like I have a hangover even though I haven't been drinking?

Perhaps it has something to do with the new moon? I need to go for a run.

Today death came close - it visited

nearby - when it does that, i get the

preview willies

A giant chasm appears - between

that which I have read - and

the heart's utter disinterment.

No words, no gesture makes it

across the abyss

After death visits - there is only -

waiting. The waiting of clocks, of

tides, chatter, the clinking of china

The numb waiting - of wanting 

and not wanting - not knowing -

and the never knowing

if this suffering ever ever stop -

if this breaching ever be shut -

if this wrenching ever 

               ever 

                     ever 

                          ever.....

It is a door, someone slips past it and then, it seals itself so tight. We can only watch on helplessly as rendering occurs. We cannot follow, must not follow. We must wait here, instead. And ask so many many questions, which will never be answered. We must sit here with a pain that will never be healed, along with all the other sufferings which we can count for our own. And we must stare, at nothing. Have nothing but the rest of life, calling from beyond this hallway.