#13
Showing up to this... it has been a rough over the past few days. The January blues plus the state of the world... our civilisation is a sure sign that just because someone is better educated, just because we have a good standard of living, just because we have spirituality it does not mean that we are immune from stupidity. Or greed. Or lying. Or anything like that. Cruel people can have beautiful masks. Kind people can have ulterior motivations. I don't know why it is so hard right now to see the good in human beings. I find it so distressful that people are selfish and self serving. And I find it so distressful that the world doesn't see this somehow. And that we are doing the same things over and over again in the hope that somehow it will turn out different. It will not turn out different, of course. It will turn out the same. When there is no basic respect for each other, nothing will be different.
That's enough of me being depressing then.
I still haven't really recovered from the flu at all. And while I desperately want to go running, I don't want to push it. I still have that bronchial cough and I am still not really completely well. So, I have decided that instead of running I will clean. This will get the whole cleaning thing jump started and it will enable me to get on top of the house over the next week and a half.
God thus flu really knocked me sideways.
I feel better though, showing up. I was on the verge of not turning up today because I thought, I just can't do it, I feel awful. But then, you see, force of habit - here I am. Writing, even if it is to say it is awful. I am feeling awful.
It is a not for nothing awful as well - I know what it is that is driving it - see first paragraph - but what I must do now is not allow it to mire me.
A big shout out to all those women who hold things together. Their families, their homes, their jobs, their children, their parents...I salute you.
So... I have to say that a part of my feeling dreadful, and this came out of nowhere, is the feeling that life has passed me by. How weird is that? I say it is weird because I don't think of myself as someone whom life has passed by. If anything, I am the first to be jumping on the life train, but I think I felt this because I have noticed recently how negative and dismissive I have become of so many things. The solution, of course, is to live the life which I have lived. To continue to doing that - the life I have planned for myself over the next year. But somehow, at that moment, this did not seem enough. And yet I know that this is the best life, given my circumstances which I can live... anything else would mean me neglecting my duties as mother... perhaps it is part of the menopause, this feeling if listless pointlessness? Hmmmm.....is that why people end up in mid-life crises? Trying to look for things which perhaps passed them by?
I said to a friend, who is experiencing health problems. Well, I said to him, you know this happens to all of us - our bodies start to breakdown but at least with you, you can say that you lived life to the fullest. I'd imagine that most people who reach this stage and suddenly realise that they didn't do very much and maybe, should the realisation reach them... they would go, oh man, that was maybe not such a good idea... I don't know, do people do that?
Real regret must be so awful. But you know what, everyone has an amazing bits in their lives, so that is also probably not true. I honestly don't know what is going on with my brain. I really don't. These ideas are not ones I entertain usually.
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Strange January days. Dry and still, as if the machines have all been turned off and we are now left alone, on the emptied stage. No rain, no sun, no wind - nothing. The play is over and the sets are soon to be taken down. Only the silence after the applause fills the hall and the lights will soon go off.
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I really need to go running. I am this way because I am not running. No, it is ok, I will do deep cleaning which is just as good in terms of return and sense of satisfaction. Deep cleaning beginning with my room and the laundry.
And just like that, I felt better. I tell you, whatever is happening is completely baffling.
That's enough of me being depressing then.
I still haven't really recovered from the flu at all. And while I desperately want to go running, I don't want to push it. I still have that bronchial cough and I am still not really completely well. So, I have decided that instead of running I will clean. This will get the whole cleaning thing jump started and it will enable me to get on top of the house over the next week and a half.
God thus flu really knocked me sideways.
I feel better though, showing up. I was on the verge of not turning up today because I thought, I just can't do it, I feel awful. But then, you see, force of habit - here I am. Writing, even if it is to say it is awful. I am feeling awful.
It is a not for nothing awful as well - I know what it is that is driving it - see first paragraph - but what I must do now is not allow it to mire me.
A big shout out to all those women who hold things together. Their families, their homes, their jobs, their children, their parents...I salute you.
So... I have to say that a part of my feeling dreadful, and this came out of nowhere, is the feeling that life has passed me by. How weird is that? I say it is weird because I don't think of myself as someone whom life has passed by. If anything, I am the first to be jumping on the life train, but I think I felt this because I have noticed recently how negative and dismissive I have become of so many things. The solution, of course, is to live the life which I have lived. To continue to doing that - the life I have planned for myself over the next year. But somehow, at that moment, this did not seem enough. And yet I know that this is the best life, given my circumstances which I can live... anything else would mean me neglecting my duties as mother... perhaps it is part of the menopause, this feeling if listless pointlessness? Hmmmm.....is that why people end up in mid-life crises? Trying to look for things which perhaps passed them by?
I said to a friend, who is experiencing health problems. Well, I said to him, you know this happens to all of us - our bodies start to breakdown but at least with you, you can say that you lived life to the fullest. I'd imagine that most people who reach this stage and suddenly realise that they didn't do very much and maybe, should the realisation reach them... they would go, oh man, that was maybe not such a good idea... I don't know, do people do that?
Real regret must be so awful. But you know what, everyone has an amazing bits in their lives, so that is also probably not true. I honestly don't know what is going on with my brain. I really don't. These ideas are not ones I entertain usually.
=======================
Strange January days. Dry and still, as if the machines have all been turned off and we are now left alone, on the emptied stage. No rain, no sun, no wind - nothing. The play is over and the sets are soon to be taken down. Only the silence after the applause fills the hall and the lights will soon go off.
=======================
I really need to go running. I am this way because I am not running. No, it is ok, I will do deep cleaning which is just as good in terms of return and sense of satisfaction. Deep cleaning beginning with my room and the laundry.
And just like that, I felt better. I tell you, whatever is happening is completely baffling.
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