#15

I have decided to open these entries with one nice thing that happened the day before. Yesterday's nice thing was Oisin did the laundry without being asked. This included folding all his clothes and putting them away. That really is nice right?

I have been researching medieval cathedrals and it is inevitable that I would think about the chapel in CHIJ. I understand how blessed I was growing up in a place like CHIJ Victoria street, but I think, the way children who are blessed are happy but don't have a sense of how incredibly lucky they are, I didn't fully realise it, you know. I suppose the way in which the kids in our school don't realise how lucky they are. I grew up in the colonial centre of Singapore. The buildings were generous and beautiful, not something you associate with Singaporean architecture which tends to be very utilitarian. Because the school came from France, it tried to employ the French gothic style. So, it was neo Gothic and it was a place of sanctuary. Even back then, I knew how special it was to go into the chapel, it was a place which we could hide from the sun, and find God.

How ironic that the windows which were supposed to let in the light in Europe to me kept them out. And that is what made the chapel special. It never got warm, never. It didn't matter how many girls were crowded in them. And the columns, the pointed arches, the flying buttresses... it is probably because of the chapel, the central building in my childhood that I have always had an affinity for the Arts and Crafts movement which was when the building was built. 

So yesterday I did an adult thing - i tried to get money back from the government cos I paid my car tax twice. I managed to get someone, so I am now going to write a real letter to someone in Swansea.

So, here I am sitting and writing while Oisin is awake, dresses in his uniform and writing his essay. Honestly, how did I get so lucky? Life is good. Life is what it is supposed to be. 

I did meatball spag yesterday - and of course I had the idea to fry the meatballs, like a normal person - except I had never done it before - and it was really good. So good that in fact I might make something with meatballs today again - and fry them first. It is actually so peaceful in the house now. The sink is clean because there isn't someone who leaves soap on the sink ledge which creates a huge sticky, squishy mess. People hang up the towels after using them. Things are washed and put away. As the boys grow up keeping the house tidy is a whole lot easier. I remember the days when there would be everything left out - clothes, toys, more cloths and toys. Those days are slowly fading.

I feel like maybe I didn't pay the boys enough attention now as they were growing up, but I know for a fact that I did. I didn't wander off, thinking about trying to immortalise myself... i stayed and paid attention. I was here for them, all the time. And I remember that when I was there, I said, I am doing this because there will never be another time when I can do this. This is all there is. The boys and being their mom taught me what it was like to live in the present, to not worry. And yet, when I look back, I cannot for the life of me recall what Ghin was like when he was three, apart from the photographs and videos. 

Isn't that strange?

Nothing is more important than being with children if you have brought children into the world. They are wholly your responsibility - you can talk about the village, etc, but they really are entirely your responsibility. Well; that's what I think anyways. There are of course reasons why people can't look after their children - but to those people and their children, I now also see that those children chose their parents - so they must have known what they were doing. But my kids chose me, and that is what I have given them - I gave it to them because they were given to me.

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I was sooo tired yesterday - I came home and after dinner I went to bed to just lie down for a bit and fell asleep till 9 pm. When Ghin went to bed and then I did my medieval cathedral research. What have we lost over the years I had to wonder when I thought of places like Chartres, the great efforts of the age - when we are able to build something of our own? I think I am gardening this afternoon, I need to look at my schedule. I honestly cannot believe how exhausted I am.