#112. 21 - The Fullest

This blog is now admittedly obsessed with my running and my health. There are other things going on as well, but in my brain it is all about the return to health. In many ways I CANNOT WAIT till the end of May when this is over.

It is strange - each day seems long, but then, here we near the end of two months since the start of Lent and a week since its end, and 42 days of running. It seems like forever but also not.

I have more or less unplugged from what other people think/do. Last night as I lay in bed, just a sense of delight and pleasure filled me. This was my time. I have mad my time. It reminds me of when I am in Singapore and I have nothing to do apart from chill. 

I also had this astonishing sense of completion. This pride in my solitude. I now look at people who have to compromise with each other, who secretly can't stand each other, with a pity. I love being here, proud and single and on my own at this time of my life. It is just liberating. 

Oh Facebook has now started to send me advertisements on romantic hook ups. Seriously guys? The AI is broken. I spent ten minutes yesterday asking them not to send me stupid ads. Oh yes, another one was 'be creative'... seriously? Are you people idiots? Have you never heard of the Internet?

I also wondered, and this is back to my current obsession, what would have happened to me if I had not managed to implement Lent. I was utterly fed up of myself. I had become totally lost. Lost to myself mostly. If I had continued the way I had... who knows? But I have not and here we are.

I have decided to stop watching The Protector. I have seen enough of Istanbul and now these stupid series, I suppose they have always done it, just drag everything out. MARVEL Agents of Shield did this, and any show which has to do with suspense does this. Even the X files does it to some extent although they have proper solid stand alone stories which make it good to turn into. But yeah. the whole Immortals and Protector thing - just so exhausting. The red herrings, the overacting... but Istanbul is amazing. It is like a parallel Rome. 

I'm currently reading about the Borgia pope from his Master of Ceremony's journal. The Master of Ceremonies is so gay by the way. The detail descriptions of clothes and minutae... he could be in Ru Paul's Drag Race. I do wonder why there isn't a male equivalent - you know a body building thing for women who are cross dressing. Also, that got me thinking about stupid shows like America's Next Top Model - I have to say these are stupid shows or youtube will start advertising this to me - how come there are no guys in it? Not that I think another millisecond needs to be spent watching and producing this crap.

Today is the day for running, of course, house cleaning and then my usual Irish and the autism thing. Then I must go to school to prep the classroom. I have done most of it now and all I need to do is get the tables, etc sorted. 

Ghin was so excited to come back. I can't wait to see him there. I was just devastated to read about how people with ADHD struggle and how it is not seen as a real issue and how medication is used to treat them. It is the system which is broken, not these children. They are bringing something into this world and this course has really opened my eyes. I will complete it by tomorrow.

Apparently it is meant to snow. It was very cold yesterday in Belvoir Park. I'll go running here in Holywood today because of the hills. But in the future the weekends will be for all the hills in Belvoir. I think I will extend the route to include both routes - the arboretum and the Lock Keeper's cottage. 

Finally, to end off with the Drop Zone. I am where I predicted I would be last week. I reckon that over the next two weeks I will have managed to enter the Tone Zone. I am just going to continue at this pace because I know that if I slow down i will lose the momentum. 

I no longer wake up with feelings of misery and worry or sadness. I sleep so well... I mean I always have... but the sleep now is exhilarating. I can't wait to get to sleep. I am not even joking. There is a perfection, almost purity, when I wake to the silence of a house which is entirely my own. I make coffee, check social media, think about the day, look forward to my run. It is like living a cloistered life while being free. It is like the best of all worlds. Here I sit in the room across from my bedroom, overloooking the hills and watching the sunrise on a spring morning. The birds now still very noisy, but I'm used to them. That magic of their first song is no longer there. Never worry, it will return next year. The new year has opened. It has been birthed. I watched that happen over the past few weeks. 

When I first began all this I could not believe how amazing I felt, and how I looked. Now I am just used to it. It is the same for everything isn't it? I must keep reminding myself how good life has been to me. This is my greatest few in reincarnation - I really do not have to come back I know how lucky I have been in this lifetime. I should make use of it to the fullest really. I mean I have, but more. More to the full and not the stupid fullest which 99.9% of the world does. I have had it with all that hoopla and standards of other people's sense of what is success. It is all rubbish.