#107.21 - Good views

I tried unblocking the drains today. The less said the better about that. 

I also had a flat tyre now the car is next to the repair shop. 

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It is now tomorrow.

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Things are going well in the Drop Zone. I am on course to being where I planned to be last week which is half of what I need to lose visually from last week. It is interesting how quickly it goes first and then slows down. I have to say that even though it has been seven weeks, it doesn't feel like eight weeks. It feels like no time has passed at all. 

I am so much more alert, so much more energetic, although I suspect my period may be resurfacing. It hasn't since February - that bloodbath of a weekend. 

But yes, everything else is super good. I am stronger and faster. Still as unproductive but I tell myself I am recovering from the horrors of online shite. Yes, talk about a first world problem. There were points I wanted to scream into the ether though.

But yes, the Drop Zone plan, six days in is going well. The important thing is to keep it going. I have been at this for almost two months. In that two months I have regained the old ground. I'm back where I started wherever it was. Say if it was a standing start, this would be me upright. It has taken me two months to get upright. 

50 days without drinking. We are now a no drink household. Oisín doesn't drink, Ghin obviously doesn't drink. We watch a bit too much TV, but apart from that we eat well everyday and we are good to each other. I think you'll find that it is ok. Nothing apart from that counts.

I love coffee. I have missed it over the past week.

It snowed properly last night so that a little bit of it lay on the ground. This will make running a little trickier over the mountains, but still fun. Oh yes, yesterday I managed to get to the next pass again. And start a little earlier. The stretches are going well. I can feel the muscles loosen, literally, and my legs are starting to have a shape. AND the leggings that were too tight now fit perfectly. These are little victories.

The Irish is going really well too! Is maith liom gealgeoir! Such fun learning a new language. I think I should do a new language every year. The boys said, the next one should be Chinese mom. I think they are right. After Irish, Chinese. I will discover how hopeless I am at it then.

Did I ever think I would have been able to be on this road to recovery two months ago. Nope. Nope. When I started doing Lent, I didn't know where it would take me. I had completely lost hope in my body and looks. I knew that something terrible was happening and I didn't know what I should do. When I did Lent and my period arrived, it was a Hail Mary, as the Americans say. 

I have recorded this journey though, every day. Every day I have written something and every day I have celebrated my wins. I have noted the improvements I felt and the return to the light. I think maybe if the descent began in September - a descent I did not realised was happening, the ascent certainly took place in February. Emerging from the pit, step by step. 

Week One and Two - just opening my eyes and breathing again.

Week Three and Four - discovering fresh air and emerging into the light

Week Five and Six - gaining strength and a belief in myself - this is real

Week Seven - standing up 

Who knows what the next Nine weeks will bring. But I have 9 more weeks to go. 

I have to record this phenomenon - I know that alcohol is empty calories, it is said over and over again, but weirdly enough, I am also not interested in eating my large helpings of meat which I ate almost everyday. The steaks and chops, etc. I also don't really want to eat rich food - desserts, etc. My empty calories come from the chocolate that is lying around on account of Easter, but apart from that, nothing else. Yesterday I had breakfast, noodles for lunch, and no dinner. The cleaning of the blooming drains put me off dinner. I doubt if I will eat very much over the next two days on account of the drains. 

So drinking less also means eating less. Weird. Also my cheese intake has dramatically decreased as well. What am I eating? When I do at it is some nice bread and soups. Lots of fruit and veg. I do have meat, but not in massive chunks. That said, I did quite enjoy the roast beef. Maerteoil. I should go for that run and then after Irish organise my life. And then get the tyres fixed. It is such a pain now - you can't do anything while waiting for the tyres to be fixed in Holywood on account of the closed cafes. So maybe instead I will take a walk along the shore, watch some birds... could do worse.

Oh yes, I now know how to bird watch! I didn't understand this previously, but I do now. The pleasure that comes from looking at things which you know a little bit about. You know what, I am really really happy. I have just realised this minute. But I am not going to delete the entry which follows like I have done so many times in the past fifteen years, when I cried tears of frustration as i wrote them and deleted them after. I'm keeping this one.

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Ah yes, I was thinking to myself how my life has changed literally over night. I suppose I'm thinking of the life I led when the boys were small and how I had no time for myself. Like literally not a minute. In fact I would have had minus minutes if that were ever possible. I would have gotten up at at least 5.30 cos they were all early risers. I would have had to make breakfast and work full time. I would have to come home and then start dinner etc. Peter was never there. Never. He was either out having a meeting or overseas. I looked after the boys all the time. And I didn't do it out of some crazy sacrifice. Nope. I did it because I knew that one day they could well be gone and then I would look back and think, oh wow, I should have been there when they were smaller. I regret this now. And I knew that I would have done my best. My broken best, but my best. I could not give more than I already had. That was all I had.

I had scraped the bottom of the barrel and on some days I was so tired I didn't know if I was coming nor going. But here I am. Here I am.

I would literally spend a day, the rare day Peter took them, on the sofa... too tired to do anything else. The laundry was never ending with their small things, the cleaning never stopped. The shopping... and on top of that work. I had no cleaner, no help from Peter who hoovered possibly three times a year if that, and who never cleaned the toilet, changed the sheets, etc. It was all ENTIRELY up to me. I will never EVER forgive him. NEVER. I told Emma, I will never ever ever forgive him and perhaps if he asked God, God could forgive him. But I am never ever ever ever going to feel an ounce of compassion for him. He is a complete and utter waste of time and space. I don't care if I end up having to meet him in a next life, but in this life I will never ever forgive him for being the selfish hypocrite which he is thoroughly. 

Yesterday he wore the cleanest pair of stiff walking boots I have ever seen anyone wear. Who drives a car in walking boots? And why is he wearing them? Trying to cultivate an image of being an outdoorsy person. Hilarious. He used to insist that 'Nature and I are two', quoting his idol, Woody Allen, whom I also always detested. I think it was after watching Manhattan that I decided the guy was a total creep. He looked like one. Just because he is clever doesn't make him any less of a creep. 

The stories I could tell about that man. 

But where was I? Yes the miles and miles of exhaustion - which turned my hair white. The heartache. The frustration. But yes, it was all completely worth it. I always say that it was Oisín who helped me raise Ghin. And it was. He was always on hand to help me. Bring me something if I needed it, wait out Ghin's screams and cries and boy did he cry, be kind and gentle to Ghin. Make sure that everyone was ok. It was Oisín. It still it really. Oisín was always the man of the house, even at the age of 6. No wonder he is a natural born leader, he has been doing it forever.

It is 7.15 am. God I did a lot of complaining there. But that's what this blog is for right?

That all said, do I regret having had to give up my life to look after the boys? No absolutely not, not one minute. I would have much preferred it if the burden was shared, but no, I do not regret giving anything up. It was a task done with pleasure and delight. To observe their beautiful faces change over the years, to laugh and share every minute we possibly could with each other on this beautiful planet, mental if i think i could ever regret it. Never never never never.

And it is with absolutely gratitude and delight that I am able to divorce this man and not have to put up with his for the remainder of my life. I have the freedom to do that and I am eternally grateful that I have been given that freedom. Many women are not in this position. I am so grateful that I have been given that chance.

Finally, do I care about ever finding 'love' again? No, no I do not. I have had my fair share of love. While I had it, it was real. It was beautiful. It came from several sources and in different guises and it still does. I have had more than my fair share really. I cannot complain. So, am I looking for love, hoping in that my golden years (so called) I find 'someone' - nope. I am not going on those dating website, I'm not going to scour pubs and bars like some desperate eejit, I'm not going to make myself up for some man. I have been there, done that, and it was wonderful and fun and I enjoyed it while it lasted, but to make my life's quest all about this significant other - no. The idea of having to share things which someone again, making accommodations for the sake of making accommodations, no, why would I do that? I am a beautiful, proud and intelligent woman who is deeply grateful for having had my fair share. I said this ages ago, I have had more than I could ever have imagined from life. I do not need any more.

From here on in my attention is all about my work and my friends and my life. And that is more than enough. I know that it is important for people to find this other in their life, it is their quest, not mine. I gave it my best shot, a few times, and it failed. And I am clever enough to know that this is a mountain range I have walked over enough. There is no need to double back. Life is about looking forward, not backwards. And appreciating what I had. Enjoying what you have in front of you. 

And right now, what's in front of me are some of the most spectacular views that an April morning can provide. It was good to end off on that note. Cos that is the person i am.