#354 - Little and often

So, here we go, the last two entries to catch up with the entire year. There is less than ten days left to it. In many ways, there is nothing left to say. As Horataio says, the Rest Is Silence. And silence it is indeed. It is a very VERY quiet time of year now. The pendulum slowing down, the door at its narrowest. I spoke to my mom there, she was recalling how they were living in my grandmother's house when her waters broke. She was rushed to hospital and the next day my aunt, her eldest sister, brought her two poached eggs and some bread. There are the tender moments we share with the incarnation of those we love. 

It is the fourth light of Advent, the Light of Humankind, when we are filled with the spiritual Sun. The light from the entire Earth, spiritualised by its passage through the thin veneer of matter, now alights upon us. Purified by this wondrous planet. We receive the delight of the world. We are floating in space, but also held at the very centre of the cosmos. I think this is what people find it hard to understand. That everyone is a centre. The heliocentric model which is the 'right' one is also one which defers the subjective as objective. We are a centre if we choose to be. And we arre also periphery.

I'll continue writing now for the next hour or so. I was supposed to start earlier, but was waylaid by cleaning of fridges and dishes and conversations with Ma. Such is the schedule time, which I now understand is not a fixed thing. The Irish have understood this forever. Here in Tir na Og, they have the lands which face the unending surf of the sea. They still exist in Atlantis, really.

I didn't write about Atlantis yesterday, on account of busyness. I had a couple of errands to run and then I went for the weekly shop with Oisin. We bought quite a lot, but not enough. Then after coming home, I had to leave for elements. Having Oisin has someone who is enterprising has been wonderful having him as such an encouraging kid. In both of them I see so much of me - both the good and bad bits. Oisin's strengths are his resilience, optimism and sense of humour. He is also unfailingly kind. But he is quite selfish and can become very argumentative. All of these things are things which I see in myself. With Ghin, I see more of the second child programming in him. Deferring to Oisin in much, but also being able to read people far better. Accommodating and tender, and caring. Oisin is caring too... I think I have done ok so far.

Tomorrow I will be 50. It is strange I have looked forward to this day for so long and yet I find myself unable to celebrate. I was always sure I would be somewhere else, traveling to celebrate it, and yet I am here, not only unable to travel, but also unable to plan a proper party. There is no doubt the winter solstice is the coolest day to have a birthday. Even when I was in Singapore I always knew that it was a special day. Everyone turned a year older today. Now with social media everyone is about the solstice. This year there will also be a great conjunction. The planets Saturn and Jupiter, both are my planets - they will meet on the winter solstice, my birthday today. I can't but help think that this is a huge significance for me personally and anyone born on the 21st. But on top of that I will be turning 50. So many different layers. 

There is something which is coming, I just can feel it.

My mother told me I don't look 50. Tell you what I FEEL 50, but I determined like no other year that this is the year which I get fit and get stretchy. So much feels more than right.

I know that I have always had a medium life. I wanted one. The whole pursuit of excellent wore very thin after having had it shoved down my neck for years and years. Not just in school, but in every aspect of life in Singapore. It made me utterly breathless. I was sooo tired. I was burnt out really by the time I was in early 20s. But also the excellence which I was being made to pursue was also making me deeply unhappy and destroying the planet AND it was causing massive inequality and making people awful. It was just terrible and to have excellence you needed conformity and joylessness, or a weird kind of enforced happiness. Within very strict bounds. It was exhausting.

I just wanted to lead a simple easy life. I just wanted to a medium life. And that was the thing I began to go after relentlessly. There was ONE area in my life which I made sure I was on top of it all - the boys. I made sure that whatever happened, I would be able to look at myself in the face and say, you see I did all I could. They could be junkies, axe murdererers and arms dealers, but as long as they were growing up I made sure I was there for them and did all I could to be around them.

Anyhow, time passed. I did not toe any line. No line was visible for me. I would speak out and be very annoyed with people who were annoying. I did not suffer fools gladly. In retrospect I could have still be a pain in the ass, but a kinder pain in the ass. I was talking to Jonathan yesterday and said that if he ever EVER thought that I was difficult to work with, he would have to say so.

And thus life just went on.... 

I did finally find my passion. Slowly building it bit by bit. First it was being a Steiner teacher. I put all my heart and soul into that. My class is currently the ONLY class in the school which has had a teacher for all their 7 years. Ruth's class would have been the other... and even Gabriel's if she had not gotten ill, but it is now the only class in the school who has had their class teacher since class 1. 

Then, I found Forest School. I have weirdly found a new fervour for it in the last week or so. I think being sooo fecking tired it has been tough. But it feels like something is happening. And of course writing has always been my love and I'm starting to write properly for the first time now...

I have found, or rather honed, my passions, my loves, my abilities. Teaching, storytelling and being in nature. That is who I am. Starting now. A new journey.

The only other thing I would add to any of that is the dozen other things I have been trying to work on over the last twenty years. I have another twenty years, another twenty good years, left. After that, what happens to me is very much in the hands of the cosmos.

It feels good, it feels great actually. Being full of hope and life and wonder still. May it always be that way for me. Never a moment of loss, nor regret. Thank you whomever you are who has made this possible.