#327 - The tape

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This morning I woke up and was once more beset with the litany of things I have not done. I stopped myself and went, what am I doing exactly??? I need to run the tape which tells me the good things. So I did that and immediately things changed for the better. I felt much better. 

I have no idea what is going on these days in the school. Happy to have someone new and happy to be working with someone who is full of energy and enthusiasm, I am delighted to have the school working once again. It is a testament to the ingenuity of the people who have been part of the school that it has survived this long.

The boys are tired now... it is dark and cold and when they get home, we just have something to eat and chill. Oisin works all the hours god gives him during the day. He is doing a business, school assignments, tutoring, coding, trading. He is just excellent at life things. I am so delighted for him. He is less sociable but everyone is less sociable. I think this will be remedied when the holidays arrive.

Approaching 50 is amazing. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Recently I felt a sensation I had not felt in ages. I was hurt with something Oisin had said and I went into the same mode I always go to when I am upset about something - pretending it doesn't matter and then getting more and more upset when the person doesn't give me the right reaction. I really need to unpack that shit. But anyway, I stopped. I literally stopped myself mid whirlpool and said, unless I am going to risk this relationship, I'm going to have to just stop getting upset and put like a border on it. Like a grown up. So I did.

I said to him, I am hurt, but I don't want to lose you. But do know this is very hard for me, and it is hurtful. And then I just went about making dinner, talking and joking and laughing. Gotta pick your battles. I don't have to try to win every time, especially if its winning or losing makes no difference to me. I have to control the things I have control over. The things I can look after. If people want to be assholes there is nothing I can do if it makes no difference to my life. 

And always, always be kind. If you dont know what to do... be kind. Just be kind. Speak from a position of kindness. And that image of the cell. We are all miraculous. Amazing beings....Right

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