2.2.26 - 37 - The Menopause

I do not remember a stigma being attached to the menopause when I was a child. I always knew about the cycles of women's lives. I also knew that when we got old, the periods would stop.

While women make much of the menopause these days, I don't think they make enough of a fuss about the fucking period. It is without the top thing in my elder years that I no longer have the fucking period. I realised that periods made me insane every month only after I had stopped having them. When I had periods I would store all the frustrations of the month and three days before the bloods began, I would go out to buy chocolate and then loose my temper with the person who was annoying me the most. Usually this was Peter. Or whatever idiot i boyfriend I had back then.

HOWEVER, now that I no longer have my periods, I no longer undergo this change. I mean I knew this happened, but I did not understand how crippling it was. Then the bleeding and the pain. My entire uterus would be inflamed and so sore and I would, at time be lying on the floor, doubled up in the most excruciating pain you could imagine. It was as if my entire womb was on fire. It would be like this for three days. The first day, it would arrive, announce its arrival and by the second it would have completely taken over. The third way it would have calmed down and then - on the fourth it would say goodbye.

I remember my last period. It got lighter and lighter, until it stopped visiting. Was I a little bit sad? A little bit. But I was mostly delighted. Yes, there were a few years of adjustment. Weight gain. Hair was wiry. Skin was not dewy. But you know, these things were already taking place loooong before the menopause finally arrived. So I cannot say it was because of the menopause.

I hate my periods. Hated them. The pain. The inconvenience. The mess. The staining and the gushing and the smell. The madness. Oh the madness. And all the time trying to pretend that life was normal.

Anyway...

I have spent the entire weekend recovering. The I haven't been right all week and finally caved in on Friday. I did make myself a celeriac soup and used the stock from the roast pork as stock. It was really good. Very nutritious. But also I barely ate all weekend. I had something - but it was mostly soup and noodles. White noodles. The noodles you'd eat when you are ill. Apart from the stock in the celeriac I was meat free, which was very unusual for me.

I cleaned the kitchen a little. Watched a lot of TV. I watched Pink Panther, Quiz, Sabrina, Anniversary... Under Saltmarsh. It was a lot of TV. I also had coffee and some very stodgy brownie from General Merchants yesterday with Oisín. He pays for the breakfasts, by way of rent or something.

I was so exhausted and tired I barely said anything. Illness now is me not having any brain power. I now know that I am just gonna be idling when I'm sick and I really do have to watch it. I know when I'm sick right... and I need to listen to the body and not be a hero.

It was Brigid's yesterday and today is my 28th anniversary. It doesn't mean anything, the anniversaries. I used to spend them with the boys. I remember once we went to Little Wing - Peter was somewhere. He had forgotten it was the anniversary and I couldn't be bothered to remind him. So I just took the boys and myself to Little Wing and didn't say anything to them about it. We just enjoyed ourselves. Peter disappointed me in so many many many ways. It was the loneliest thing ever being in a relationship with him. I am glad every single day I no longer have to put up with the constant expectation and disappointment and cruelty in the neglect. So glad. It is why I have a very short fuse with men and I no longer with to be in a relationship. It's just not worth it - the cost-benefit analysis just ain't worth it. Whatever they are offering, it cannot be so good as to sacrifice the peace of mind which I have now.

I really suffered under this man - and he wasn't the only one to break my heart. 

BUT what I am promising myself, this moment, is that this day, this year, I will look after myself. I will eat well, put myself first, look after my body. Get published. Stay up to date. This year and rest and recover.

I promise.

From here on in, life is going to be shorter and shorter and while I have no regrets, I wish to keep it that way. In many ways, as I think about what has happened, all the good things I have done I have done and now... a new vista opens. I don't know what that contains. But looking after myself is so important. Accompanying this version of Stephanie from now on. The entire menopause took almost ten years, if I am honest. It was a long gestation, and I'm finally here. In this new body at the age of 55 years. I think of an acquaintance I know who recently passed from early onset dementia. We can never take anything for granted. Nothing.

So here is to taking nothing we have for granted. Nothing. Never and nothing.

I have also learnt to heal. For years and years and years - he was able to hurt me. In this year 2026, I am now healed. I can now laugh and see how idiotic the whole thing is and he is no longer able to hurt me, which is what he tried to do. Anyone who you tell the story to - he moved into the house in front of the school which I work in, would say he was insane and without shame. It still irks me that I have to deal with his presence adjacently through the boys, but you know what, I have outlasted all these bastards. If you like something, enjoy it. If you don't, wait and it will change. And he is moving out soon. By this summer the boys have told me. He will be gone. I will have outlasted you you asshole. You never broke me. Bet that eats him up inside. 

And the piece de resistance? Well... imagine being a new father as a senior citizen. It's totally mad. Good. Good for him. Best of luck. Lolz.

There is no need to serve just desserts - just desserts do be self-serving.

Manifesto on the 2nd of February. I came here 28 years ago and I built a life for myself here. I had two beautiful sons. I survived. And thrived.