#62.21 - The Sun is BACK!!!

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Despite the sun being back I have just been indoors. But I'm going to start being outdoors now. I couldn't write yesterday because I had just felt so fed up with everything. Then I met the girls for the moon and felt instantly better. 

So I'm feeling good now. It has now week two of Lent and after the period, I'm feeling sooo much better. Also not drinking has has been beneficial. I now know that I can do this. It is going to be very easy. So I'm going to add no sugar and fasting during the day to this. I will drink water and have the slippery elm mix for lunch as well and have fruits, but nothing else. In fact that is EXACTLY what my body is telling me I need. This week I'm going to run too - everyday. I'll start today after putting this entry into the blog site. And I will return to blogging and writing everyday.

It is so beautiful. I've forgotten how beautiful the world is.

Everything comes to life again.

Watched American Gods and am inspired to keep writing about Atlantis. 

It looks like an amazing day. I do miss the dark.

The morning ritual is now black coffee, and my supplements - magnesium, menopause, Spatone and flaxseed oil all for balancing my hormones out - and of course just general good health. I think I will be taking these for the restof my life. I have no appetite so I have created this concoction of slippery elm, seeds, rye flour and carageen with honey. I make a cup of this and have this for breakfast. It helps on every front - nutrition and nourishment, and the digestive system. It is a formula that works for me. I do have food later on in the day, but in general I have no appetite. Just I can't be bothered to eat anything. The idea of food and cooking is so alien. Yesterday snacked on some prosciutto. And had a dinner of some olive bread with cheese. But that was it. I skipped the stew. I am tired but it's fine. I will get it all back again when I start running. Which is what I'm going to do now. 

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I went for my run then went for a walk in Hillsbrough which astonished me with its sensitive landscaping and planting. I was utterly blown away by it.

I got back and was supposed to go shopping but Emma didn't need to so I watched Midsomer which reminded me of a weird Steiner community - with human sacrifice. It was fascinating and a slow burner. And it made you question what was normal. It was good. I really liked it. 

I cannot describe what the last two weeks have been like. Three really. I have decided that drinking does not help brain fog. So I'm off the booze for the foreseeable future. Anyway booze does not make me happy. And being sober yesterday while everyone was pissed was no so hard really. Well to be honest people were not pissed at all. They had something but it was not much. It was pleasant. And then I go home early for bed. I like this album - shoegazing music. Very chilled. It was also inspiring to be in the gardens - Hillsbrough gardens. I loved it. It was bringing me back to myself and Jonathan and I talked about the coming year. It is good to have a friend support you and be there for you. Just magic really. I am very lucky. Very very lucky.

OK... I am going to do stuff for next week and tomorrow and then head to bed early. Wake up early, write and run and just get stuff done in general. Tomorrow I must hoover the house before the boys arrive. Everything will be done in good time. 

I want to thank the universe for helping me through the madness of the last month. It has been nothing but walking on bloody stumps, but at the same time, it is also nothing. Really, it is NOTHING at all what I go through. I just have to learn that I will always be alright I will be taken care of.

I have the formula for feeling good for myself, what is right for me now - and being a hot mess is not right for me. I love being in control, I live having order in my life, I love thinking thing through, I love being alert and awake and alive. Which is not where I was last week. Last week I just thought death would be preferable. But being alive is no now. It ain't so bad.

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