#42.21 - Nourishing

They think they can break us, but they will not break us. The final desperate attempt to make it look like they are doing something useful and helpful, but it will not work. It will not. I will use this time constructively to do the things I have always wanted to do in the house and that is final for me. There is no point getting angry and frustrated and annoyed. What history teaches me is that we live in a pretty good time. There are no wars, there is a minimal amount of sexism and racism, which has always been there, I mean we could be better than this, but apparently apart from Scandinavia, the rest of the world is going to never do this because for some reason the Vikings are the most sensible race of people. 

Since everything is geography, I put it down to geography. And the geography is that they have terrible winters. These terrible winters means that they have to confront the reality that if they do not have some kind of base, some kind of floor, then every year tens of thousands of people will die of the cold. They have also evolved so that they know how to do this - geography has honed their ability to think of doing things well and knowing the value of doing that. So simple things like, leaving a little match sticking out of a match box in a fireplace with a prepare fire, for the next cold person to come into the hut so that they can with numb fingers strike a match and light a fire. These are simple things which mean the difference between life and death. Geography is destiny, is all I'm going to say. 

Like Northern Ireland, caught between Scotland and the rest of Ireland. Always closer to the part of the land which is across the sea than at the bottom of the land mass which it is attached to. We don't know whom we belong to.

Anyway where did I begin? Yes. Apart from the Scandinavians this is as good as it gets for the rest of the world. Sorry most of Africa - apart from the very rich and some of the middle class, sorry South America. This is as good as it gets for you guys. For the rest of us too. This is the height of civilisation. History shows that if you have running water, some heating, hospitals which you have some access to, a family which doesn't have to go to war, a husband that doesn't beat you or you have to sell yourself to slavery, this is literally as good as it gets. This means that this is the best we are ever going to do and we should appreciate it because when decline sets in, and we can see what that looks like, we would have never appreciated it. Does this mean that I regret personally never having been a conspicuous consumer? No, I totally was one. I traveled on planes, I ate at buffets, I bought rubbish and trash which I have filled my home with. I didn't do it on a neurotic level, but yes, it is a stupid thing to say that wasn't one. I participated in the insanity too.

But I give thanks. I give thanks to the opportunity to have had led, for a time, my perfect life. Even if it was for a year, for two months, for twenty years. For twenty years, I was the mother I needed and wanted to be - I could choose, and I did. For years, I was in love and it was wonderful. For hours and hours I saw and heard the best art that humankind could ask for. I read about the Medicis and what they would have given for the level of medical treatment I have access to. I will never ever take anything for granted. This is as good as it gets. I get to spend time with my children, in the house, doing anything I want to do. Draw, piano, watch Netflix... I get to do all this. So I will nourish myself and know that this is as good as it gets. 

That this blessing is premised on a neurosis which has taken over - well there is nothing I can do. The excesses of power, the neurosis of utilitarian science, the fear of germs, the fear of death - people can be completely in denial of what the real emergency is and run about like headless chickens avoiding death, that is their problem. Which I am now going to completely ignore. But I am going to fully appreciate what we have now. Well what I have now. 

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Yesterday we cooked and ate and laughed and spent even more time talking and chatting and making fun of each other. It was that kind of wondrous delight which we are able to give to each other. Poor Herod with his wealth and owning of things - the truth is he had nothing. In the end history mostly remembers him for one thing which he didn't even do.

I have woken up. I am no longer going to be plugged into the insanity. I am going to recognise my happinesses in a different way from previously. I used to think we have to do better, but I am wrong. The truth is, after reading Herod the Great, I realise that this is as good as it gets and I am not going to try and improve anything anymore for anyone else. I'm just going to look after myself and those around me. I am no longer an improver because things can't get any better. And did I help to make things get good? Yes, absolutely and I'm going to be here for everyone that I can make a difference for. And that means my boys, my family, my friends and the community, the school. This is as good as it gets and we can't do any better. I mean I can, but in general, I am not going to worry any longer about others who just can't be bothered.