#55.21 - Humans

What is it like to be a member of the human race? Certainly for a woman it is more or less not knowing what your body is planning to do. This is perhaps why women are so obsessed with their bodies, it is one was of controlling it. For instance, I now no longer want to eat. I used to get up, a do what I did and then had breakfast - now i don't want to eat. The thought of eating makes me feel ill. I don't want to cook. I just had some light snacks yesterday. Pate, biscuits, cucumber. I did eat and entire packet of smoked salmon, it is true, but i thought if I cooked i would feel slightly ill. This morning I got up and the idea of eating made me feel sick. This is very different from the glee with which I would look forward to eggs for breakfast with some buttered toast. 

I had high hopes for these holidays too. I was planning to do loads. Instead I mostly sat on the sofa and did nowt. Especially yesterday. Yesterday I just did nothing. Self care and Kindness. It is what's needed. 

I was talking to my mom yesterday and realised there are two kinds of people in the world. Problem solvers and problem dealers. It would be good to be both because then you could stop the problems being created while cleaning up the mess. Idealists are problem solvers. They want to stop the problems from occurring. Pragmatists are problem dealers. Ideally, you should have the both working with each other. One sorts the issue out while the other finds way in which to stop it from ever happening again. The problem is when you have an enfranchised system which rewards the problem. Then the problem becomes the point and the problem will never get solved.

I am a problem solver, consequently I am an idealist. I strive for an ideal. I like to think that I am also a problem solver. The problem with pure idealists is that their real lives are utter messes and they leave a trail of chaos in their wake. I admit I have left my fair trail of chaos, but I would also like to think that I have made sure that my own family have not suffered for any of my ideals. The boys have always had what I have been able to give them. Looking after them has always been priority number one. 

Making sure that I can earn some kind of money - I'm also pragmatic like that. I know there are no pure problem solvers or dealers, but I have seen people learn heavily on one side or the other.

I am not going to talk about how demotivated I have become with the entire Covid thing. Because I have, like a million other people. But instead the rest of this month is going to be a quiet time. A time of quietly doing things. Knitting and sewing things together. Bringing things onboard slowly. Looking after myself.

I am not going to take on the task of making myself feel better because the government has fucked things up. No. I am not going to jolly myself along. Why should I? It is fucked up is what it is and that I'm supposed to try and make myself happy and 'cope'? No, fuck that. I hate where I have found myself It is awful.

I was hoping to write and run - but that went out of the window with my brain fog and the period. At least I have an excuse. The brain fog is mostly gone now. Disappeared. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels, like I have come out of a smoke filled room and I am so glad it wasn't either permanent or my imagination. It is indeed a thing.

I cleaned the car on Thursday. Perhaps I could start with some cleaning. Also some facetiming with Ma. Everything is better now. I honestly thought I was going to throw myself off Cave Hill last week. It is done now. Thank god.