#33.21 - Wha???

Can't believe it has been a week since I was back at the blog. It has been an awful week. I'm not going to lie. The hysteria over Covid continues. People don't see it as hysteria because they are used to it, but it is hysterical. I have more or less just shut myself in so I don't have to deal with the fear and fear mongering that is taking place. The children are really suffering - especially those who have no family support. They are not learning anything new. They are now stuck, in stasis. Ghin says he's ok because he has myself and Oisin to help him, but the truth is that I don't see his teachers giving him any material that challenges him. How can they? The risk is that the children grow further and further apart even as the time passes. Far more important I am beginning to understand is their well-being. It seems strange to talk about well-being even as they are inside in their own homes. The children in our school are lucky though. I wonder how well others are faring.

There is no thought to the real terrors which are facing homes which are broken, which have real issues. There is no care. All the media and the middle classes who make these decisions - the rich don't care, they are safe no matter what happens - care about is, it's hard to know what they care about. All I know is that the change which I had hoped would take place a year ago is not coming. They are planning to recreate the road to nowhere which we were on to begin with.

So I have spent a miserable week, not really believing in anything which is going on, even in what I am doing, getting lost in the Renaissance and the ideals of the people who lived then. The Black Death had decimated about two thirds of the population of Europe and those who were left were left to recover and get rich. It seems strange that we are thinking and talking about this now... 

I wonder if the privatisation of education is also taking place? The over reliance on technology to deliver education? The old world is certainly passing - the new - who knows what that will look like? 

It has been so hard, so hard to watch all this take place. Also this week to compound things, the birds dont like my birdfood. I feel a bit annoyed about that. Yes I did put that sentence in to lighten the mood.

I watch TV and cry about everything. The stupidity of human nature. It is heartbreaking. The other day I asked Oisin why do people go to war. Because they are bored Oisin said. I think I have to agree with him. Why do you think they do it he asked. I said, I don't know that's why I was asking you. Because there is nothing that cannot be resolved through talking. And he said, Exactly. They are bored. 

All it takes is one bored person to join another bored person. I think it is hatred. Hated breeds wars. I think of all the times when people were awful. Jealousy and hatred. And fear. It makes people crazy. So.

I will not be crazy. I will be serene. I will be calm. I will be hunkering down. I will run. I will walk. I will dig deep down.

The rain is relentless. I spent yesterday in a grey fog. I got up at 4, fell asleep and got up at 7. Then it was drifting in and out of work, not really believing in anything we were doing. Wondering what the point was. There were a few highlights in the week. I had dinner with Heidi on Thursday. The boys were around. I have nothing to complain about really, but the state of the world is really pissing me off. But personally, I can't complain. I literally have everything I need. I must do what I promised and just stop feeling so miserable about the things I cannot control.

I am a good person, we are all good people. And even if it is not true, and don't believe it is true, I must behaving as if it is.

It will be another miserable day. This is what this full moon brought, a tide of dreadful weather. Nothing but rain and dampness and grey flat skies. We will have another month of it. It only ever lets up after the end of March. Only then will we have escaped the worst of winter. So I must now just be happy. I must listen to music and draw and play the piano and get on with life. I must just do all that. 

All the while while doing this teaching which is just dismal. I feel broken. I am broken. But I am just going to continue. I will clean the house today. And start running again. That I will do. I haven't run the entire week and I couldn't even tell you why. Right. Time to get started. Time to feel better. Time to feel hope again.