#39.21 - Limitless exhaustion
So I'm down to a few things:
1. I did lots of housework
2. Screen time
3. Constant social media - being able to be contacted by people on WhatsApp, etc
4. Being 50
5. Not being able to understand what's going on
6. Not exercising regularly
So I then looked at these things. The housework thing - well ok, but also I don't do an awful lo of housework. I do it like in fits and starts. Like yesterday I did all of it in one day. So... you know. Yes, but it still does not account for the constant exhaustion.
3. It is strue I find it very streeful being on these social media apps. I hate them. I really hate them.
4. Being 50 - well I can't do much about that. It is what it is.
6. Exercising regularly - yes, but also when I do exercise I still feel tired.
So it is 2 and 5. Screen time is a must - work demands it. and 5. I'm just gonna have to let it go. So literally there is nothing I can do about being constantly exhausted.
That said, I have been constantly exhausted since Oisin was born so. You know.
I have worked and been a mom all my life - except those two and a half years on maternity leave. I took time out to be with Ghin for two years and six months with Oisin. In hindsight it was a mistake with Oisin, but he has turned out good. And the last nine years I worked in the school which meant I was with the boys all the time. But teaching and being mom takes its toll, definitely.
But apart from that - even now... my brain is both racing and feeling like it has been pickled in brine. Perhaps all those years of drinking have finally caught up. But let's be honest, ok I drink more than say the teetotaler. But I certainly don't drink like an alcoholic. I love drinking, well less and less as the years go by, because what is the point you have to wonder, but then, say if the shops closed down tomorrow and I couldn't get any booze, it would be ok.
It's kind of a mirthless thing now drinking on my own, and I don't cook and drink wine anymore either because there is no celebration to the end of the day. It's something I used to do when I worked in the RSPB - i'd come home and open a bottle of wine and cook and it was the end of the day. It was fun. Then there was that period during lockdown last year when I was drinking too much. Like the summer I think. That lasted for a couple of months. Like say three bottles of wine week. Perhaps my body is recovering from that. I once told a friend I was worried that I was drinking too much - two bottles a week. She looked very concerned and I said it's wine. Two bottles of wine, not vodka.
I still do that when I am being sociable - when I get the opportunity.
But really, that's all I'm doing these days. And anyway, I don't seem to have hangovers anymore. Although with the pickled brain thing it does feel like I am on permananet hangover. I'm trying to think when this began... was it when school started up again and I had the complete stress of working from home and trying to teach with both hands held behind my back?
I think that's it. The bloody teaching at home from thing. I'm going to have to be honest with myself and what it is achieving. What I hope to achieve.
So I think I have to think about that. I said to the boys we'd go for a drive today...it is quite cold outside. A a bit windy. I will go for a run at 8.30. But the clearheadedness of waking up at 5 am is no longer there. The brain fog is constant. At least my body isn't in pain - the way it was in pain last night. It was so awful I just took a paracetemol cos I couldn't be bothered to suffer through it.
Ah menopause - brain fog?
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