3.4.26 - 97 - Rest

Well, what was the reason i didn't shwo up yesterday? I had injured myself cleaning the outside kitchen. The marble table which I had liberated had lost its metal centre and i put a box of heavy tiles on it and it tipped over, broken and somehow sliced my arm open. It was an entire thing. Ambulance, hospital, stitches. Been ages since I had stitches. Dressing. It was extremely sore yesterday but I did have lots of drugs, so that's good. 14 days before I can swim again. Hopefully less for running. 

I was doing so well too with the running and swimming. Ma then kicked into action and is now cooking and looking after me. So I suppose that's good. It is something else for her to focus on. Although we had a great time on Wednesday with an outing to Seng Siong. Nevermind.

But at the hospital, I was fortunate enough to be treated by a doctor, two years younger than me. To keep me distracted while she stitched me up, she spoke to me about Pa's passing. I told her what had happened. She said to me, what you all did for your father was so good. It was difficult for you, but for him, that is the best death that he could have. The dream death. A late diagnosis, minimal discomfort and no pain, not dying with metal and plastic around him, and his family was with him. That is more than you could ever ask for. That is how I would like to die, she said. I work in this field and I can tell you you cannot get a better death than that. It was so good to hear that. He died in his sleep, she said, with his family around him. That's more than you could ask for. I know it's hard for the people he left behind, but you did the right thing for him. He was very lucky.

When I told her that he had stopped eating, she said, oh that's very difficult for Asians right, food is so important. I said, we had a doctor come to see him - to make her understand we didn't just freestyle not giving him anything to eat. I just watched him disappear into the spirit world. His poor body could no longer sustain his stay here. 

But he had the best best life. The best life. To hear someone in the medical profession, of so many years standing, say that that was the best death that anyone could have... that was very comforting. I told that to Ma and Jac and I think that did alleviate many of the questions they had, the doubt that they had carried about not trying to intubate him or anything like that. Maybe I had to cut my arm to meet her. Maybe the table would have tipped over and hurt someone far worse. In fact, I said, the accident could have been far worse. It could have been that my toes were crushed. I could well be in hospital right now with no toes or no fingers or no movement in my hand because the tendons were severed. I was very lucky indeed.

Things happen for a reason. And that reason is - well, who knows - but I am glad I got off so lightly, although plans have been derailed. And it's good that Ma has something else to focus on. 

I also managed to sleep for all of yesterday. Maybe there was a part of me that was also exhausted and I needed to sleep, to just let it go. To not be on all the time. Having this enabled that. I was able to just say, I need to sleep now. To be perfectly honest I haven't really slept since I arrived here. After the jet lag, which was neither here nor there, I was plunged straight into hospice care, what I know now to be end of life care for Pa. At the start, I had no idea this was happening, but it increasingly became clear that this was taking place. So not only did I have to manage Pa's care, but I also had to look after Ma, and make sure that she was being supported. I did make sure I went running and swimming but all that was very short lived when it was clear that Pa was now on the home straight. 

For a week I was on call 24/7. I would wake up every two hours to check on him or be woken up by Ma, to do the same. It was relentless. I would have to clean the bed, clean him, arrange him, try and get him to drink, get him as comfortable as I could, all the while going onto youtube to learn about end of life care and behaviour, being extremely terrified and not letting it show. After he passed there was the funeral which seemed like it was three weeks, but was actually three days, and thereafter there was making sure that Ma was ok, including getting her a wheelchair and creating a schedule for her. And the same continued. All documented here. While all the time running and swimming and trying to stay sane. Cleaning and connecting and supporting... and it all came to a crashing halt - literally when the table fell, as I was putting the finishing touches onto the dapur - and - that was that. Who knew what and why and where... who knew any of it.

Who knows... I'm sure I have written about this before, but there is a thought that maybe more people should have end of life home care. I agree. I agree. Just like I agree that people should have home births. They are far far more meaningful and away from the impersonal, interfering hands and interventions of hospitals. But to do that, first people have to get more comfortable with death. They need to understand that death is something which is a natural part of life and it need not be avoided to the detriment of everyone, including the health services. Imagine doing battle against death, or expecting to do battle against it. It's kinda mad really and yet, it is what we expect. We expect that when the odds are well and truly against us, ie. the person's body is saying, it's time to let the spirit go, you insist on keeping it tethered.

So, first, people must understand what death is. Which the comes with a whole heap of understandings. They must also understand then that there is a life after death - for a start it makes it easier for people to let other people go, but also, it then helps the person to cross over as well. But if you start pulling at this thread, then people are more likely to then start thinking of life - if you do not fear death, then you will live a life which is free - unencumbered...you become less controllable... this not great for institutions which want you to be controlled... from churches to governments. 

If you do not fear death, or are comfortable with it, then you are more likely to lead a more meaningful life - according to what is meaningful to you. 

So, that's the first most difficult thing. The second most difficult thing is to actually be the people who are supporting each other through the death process. When someone is dying, you do not know how long it is going to take. Arguably, if people were prepared to die and are allowed to die in peace, then the process will not be very long at all. It could be a week, or it could be several months. Who knows? But you are strapped in for the long haul, potentially and you need to be ready to do gruelling things, sometimes unpleasant things, although they are not unpleasant if you are willing to put yourself at the service of this sacred process. The absolute best thing would be for the people whom the person loved to actually carry out this process, and if these people aren't available then, someone - probably specialists could do it. But again, it is an uncertain process and not all passings are as peaceful or painless as Pa's. Pa made it so easy. But I have heard of stories where people are shouting and screaming and resisting and violent and overly agitated. Just putting up a fight. Of course they are terrified. Who wouldn't be when your whole life you were told that death is something that should be avoided? The entire thing is a total mess. 

So having a home death, which is what the doctor who saw me said, is very rare - but the ideal one, because people do not know what to do. That normalisation, that control has been taken away from people. 

Reading Between Death and Life by Steiner, has also been therapeutic. It feels like it makes sense. I think if I regard Christ as the Sun Spirit rather than the Christian God, things would be much easier. That's the only thing I find difficult to take. Even though I am a member of the Christian Community. 

Right. So this is me. This is where I get off today. The arm is less sore and I think is heading in the right direction. i'll have more medication in half and hour. I will stop taxing it by typing. But it seems much better than it was yesterday when it was raw and tender. Even slightly inflamed. But the antibiotics have taken care of that. I must think about all the things I have to cancel now I no longer am earning a basic wage. I really need to think about it. Until October anyway when I can withdraw some money from the Tandem account. Until then... I need to have a financial strategy.