1.4.26 - 96 - Reflections

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It has been two and half weeks since Pa left. Instead of things feeling more and more like he has gone, it feels less and less like he is no longer here. It's like there's this gaping hole which we are expecting something to happen. The raw shock is gone and in its place I try and fill the time. Jac is busy working and stuff... I am supporting Ma. Making sure she is holding on. There are good and bad moments in generally good days. She listens to music which is unbearably sad. I tell her its too sad but she says it's nice to know that other people feel this way too. I suppose. 

Running wise - I have run every day since 22nd March - which means I have run for 11 days straight. I get up, blog, have a coffee and go for a run. I check in on Ma of course. I open the house. I say good morning to Pa. During the run I sweat like a maniac. I am glad of the effort, the sheer physical effort of running. It's the same with the swimming. I began swimming again on the 23rd, the day after. I swim 10 laps. I swim in the afternoons after I have a nap. I usually go while Ma is sleeping. By the time I get back, she's awake.

After this I'll clean the kitchen for the last time. Just hoovering the dirt out of the cupboards and then storing the pots and pans so the entire backyard is cleaned and cleared. It will be great. 

It's been great running and swimming. I expect that in a couple of weeks I'll be in a much better place physically. It has been so difficult, but I'm distracting myself with making sure everything's good. Just doing the work, filling the hole, creating something good out of the loss... 

Every time we say though it was good the way he went and his send off. It was good. It was a full life and it was a good life. Ma gets dreams sometimes. I don't get any dreams whatsoever. None. I think I don't really want to go there at all. It is enough to know that I am here, resting in Pa's legacy. And what a legacy it is. A good man who led a good life. 

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