#23.20 - End Jan

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Moon and the Sun

After doing so well in the past two weeks leading up to the new year. I have slightly fallen apart. It has been a bit hell not having any motivation nor energy and I just want to sleep all the time.

I know what I need to do but I just can't be arsed to do it - and this has gone on since January. I feel a bit like Betelgeuse. Sigh.

I don't understand what is wrong with me... or what is going on with me? It just isn't like me at all.

Right... I need to wise up.

So first, the inspections are over. They were a very interesting exercise. Firstly, I thought that they had an impossible task. What exactly were the measuring if they didn't have tests since we didn't do tests? Then, secondly, they were in for a very short while. So what did they know about our school? I thought that was mental that they only observed small amounts of the lessons. Then finally, they have no idea what governs our school, the principles which we practice. I am i huge fan of it aint working, throw it out. And for me Steiner has been a revelation in that all the seemingly weird things which he has suggested work. So, there you have it.

Truth be told, it feels like I have lost my way a bit. I think that's what it is. I feel a bit fed up with myself. Not with the world around me. The world around me is just falling apart - literally. Sometimes it is going up in flames. At other times there are outbreaks of disease. There are also erupting volcanoes and hailstones. Plus there are a few wars going on. It would appear that all the disaster movies are now rolled into one. The world is a total mess.

But I also feel like a total mess. In that I just want to run and hide somewhere from all my responsibilities for the time being. However, of course this is just a stupid idea. What is important is that I seize the bull by the horns and GET THE STUFF THAT NEEDS DONE DONE.

It is 5 am. I have been up for an hour and a half now and nothing has been done.

Right I have some music on, that's better.

Yesterday I way lying in bed when the boys dropped in. They are so sweet. They lie on either side of me and we talk and giggle and chat and poke endless fun at each other. I am so glad I am able to give them this... the ease with which we regard each other as human beings. I am always, always going to enjoy and deeply appreciate the time we have had with each other. I had these eight years of which I shall be always grateful. I saw Oisin into adulthood and Ghin into being a teenager. Ghin, like Oisin, will need me to be there more than ever, and I will be there for him. He is ready to be more independent and that's something which I am happy for him to be. I can see he is able to take that next step. He will be absolutely fine.

I think the secret is music. If I don't have music, I have nothing. Having music has made me much much happier. Everything is possible with some music on. Spotify is all kinds of wonderful.

Right that's me for today on the laptop.

Need to read about Alexander the Great's next battle.

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