#17.20 - Baptism

Ghin's baptism. A moment to cherish forever. Our wonderful friends and this journey, on this spinning rock, the incarnation of the spirit, the coming of Christ.

I was recently reminded of Rupert Sheldrake's ten dogmas of science which are holding us back. They are:-

That nature is mechanical.
That matter is unconscious.
The laws of nature are fixed.
The totally amount of matter and energy are always the same.
That nature is purposeless.
Biological inheritance is material.
That memories are stored as material traces.
The mind is in the brain.
Telepathy and other psychic phenomena are illusory.
Mechanistic medicine is the only kind that really works.

Then, I thought of today. Or rather yesterday. Something very odd has happened since me doing astronomy this year. I have started to care a lot less about the nonsense which has taken place around me. There is something very comforting about the skies now, knowing how to read them a bit. It is also completely different from reading plants and animals. The great comfort of being able to use walk about the heavens, wondering and knowing - and especially knowing that there are places and worlds and things which we will never know, can never know, it somehow makes being on Earth more important, more special. I cannot explain it.

So why am I here at this hour? I could not sleep. The moon and the baptism and thoughts of the next day and next week swirled around my head... and I just could not sleep. So I thought.. I could do this, do some school prep and then if I am tired, I could then either sleep or if I'm not tired I could fold clothes. I did sleep at 9. It was super early. But that is the other thing...

I also have settled into happy menopause. I have escaped from the worst effects of it. It was strange and wonderful, but really, I do feel so lucky that I have done this with minimum fuss - apart from laughing at the hot flushes and occasional insanity. But by and large, it has been great. I have also stopped caring about stupid things. It is as if... I dunno, things have settled. But it has also been exhausting. Not a strange awful narcolepsy, but rather this swiss cheese of a brain... did I turn off the fire? What was I just doing there? Also, feeling so tired. Just bursts of needing to sleep. I jokingly ask Mairead, what was the deal with the menopause, does it get better after this, and she said no, absolutely not. That did not bode well at all.

It was strange today, as I looked after the baptism. I had this real sense of people around us, loving us. People who cared for us. And I felt so blessed. Sometimes I felt as if I was a wet towel being wrung out with anxiety, at other times I felt like I was being buoyed by this wonderful wave of love. There was Oisin and Ghin and there were all the people I loved... us, all travelling here... all being here together. We are so so blessed.

My sons. Soon they will all go to live their own lives. It is so brief what we have. I wonder about people who have felt it was far more important that they are self important. People who happily abandon their families for their friends. It was pathetic really. To think that he will never be much more than a vestigial limb. The rearing of the children has almost come to an end and this will never happen again. What is it about WORK and MONEY which people end up just thinking it is more important than family and children? I admit, I did have a wobble there for a bit, when I had to sit and cry a bit that having sacrificed my life for my sons, entirely my choice, meant that there were a great many things I had to forgo. I had to cry. I had to sit and go, I made these choices, these were MY choices, but it did mean, even though I did them in the full knowledge of what it meant for me. While I WAS doing it, it was totally worth it. It was the joy of spending every minute and every second i could with them, it was also the responsibility - I had brought these kids into the world, I had to look after them, not farm it out, they are my responsibility and everything that means, good or bad. But now that this bit is almost done, I look around and it feels, monetary wise, it is not great. Also, all through this time, Gargamel denigrated me, making fun of me, telling me that I never pulled my weight financially even though I had done the lion's share of the childcare while he took off around the world and behaved like a bachelor. It was hard to then crack under that realisation but you know what, I did.

I did crack instead of externalising my pain and going into anger. It was doubly painful. The pain of the personal sacrifice and the pain of having been appreciated by a hypocrite. But I have learned to stay with the pain. To be with the pain. To accept responsibility for some of it. To then cry off other bits because there is no point addressing your pain with a narcissist who has purposely caused that pain, who would feed off that pain, and then the healing began. Once the pain has cleared, it is a bit like the passing of a storm. The pain is the storm. If you become angry, then you only compound the storm. But sit with the pain, let it pass, and then in the aftermath, you will find you have survived. You pick up all the rubbish from around the beach, glean things and then take a deep breath and get on with life.

Sitting with your pain is a skill I have to learn. Also to accept your limitations. And more and more I can see that the acceptance of my limitations is partly also saying no to the system of accolades and excellence which has laid waste to this planet. Why can we not have excellence in other ways? Why does it have to be about this artificial recognition of crap with titles and self important shite? With money and power? My excellence pushes me in other directions. I say these are my limitations - the limitations placed on my by other people's toxic expectations and behaviour. I reject these utterly, roundly, soundly. I refuse to engage with these. I am water - when there is a block, I flow in another direction. I never argue with stupid people - or physics. Oddly they are the same thing.

Right. I am going to do some fiction. Then I'm going to do class prep. Then I'll see where I am... I MAY fold clothes, go for a run or sleep.