#11.20 - Astronomy

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No photo description available.
Yesterday's blackboard drawing

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Hanging out at home with the boys.

Went for my run yesterday and thought that maybe it was not such a good idea to run everyday as I was forced to walk because my right knee was playing up. So I have decided to run two days and stretch for one day. When I say stretch I mean really stretch. I dropped and collect Oisin. He is gearing up for the A levels. It is a tough old slog, but he is up for it. The more I know about the state system, the happier I am that I sent him to Steiner. We have spent lots of time with each other over the holidays and I know I am close to the boys, but over this time we got closer.

I have spent the last 13 days, the Holy Nights getting things together. There is now a good rhythm. Especially the writing in the morning and the exercising and laundry. These things are now in place. I enter 2020 feeling very vulnerable because so much is new, but also - and this is hard to describe - more open, but also knowing where I want to go.

Last night I went to bed around 9 and didn't get to sleep till 10. The boys kept on popping in and out. It is Ghin's birthday today and I was telling him the story of his birth. As we cuddled in bed, we chatted and laughed. It has been tough, I'm not doing to gloss over things. For the first time I did think, what have I done, sacrificing my own career, my own sense of self externally for everyone else. yhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg That's Gary there.

I have nothing now. Well, I felt like I had nothing. And I did cry a bit. And I did say so to Ma. And then that passed. The important thing is that I saw with the pain. I did not let it tip over into anger. I sat with the pain, which was very painful, and after what seemed like eternity, but really was about an hour it was gone. It did seem like it would last forever though.

That moved on, and then I got up and did things. And everything felt better again. What I am really glad of is that I have not displaced it by fucking up someone else's life. Nor have I lost it. I have maintained exemplary self control these entire holidays despite his best attempts to draw me out. I have just continued the course. I have remained dignified and beautiful and good and kind. I have taken care of the things most important to me and that is my own reward.

The Thirteen Holy Nights have been so important for me. Focusing on what is meaningful and real. Finding True North all the time. Seeing past the pain, understand why we do what we do. Always understanding the meaning of what is life is and to bring that into real practice.

And real practice means ignoring maya. Maya can come in the form, not just of the temptation to do stuff, but in the form of people as well. People who really are nothing more than cyphers for their pain. But I am free of that now. I no longer have to fix things. I recently gave someone this advice. It is not your job to fix this person. Your job is to go on and live the best life you can live. It is this person's job to fix themselves. This person is an adult. This person got into their own shit. They don't want to be helped. Just leave them alone.

It is a tough rodeo that one, not fixing, or resisting the temptation to fix. It is such a natural thing to be kind, to be human.

What else? Went for run, went to school, cooked dinner - fried rice - did laundry, did class prep, cuddled the cat. I mean what else do we want from life right? This is all we have and we should live it with our own truth. I have also started eating a lot less and from now on the weight loss will be steady with school starting. But it was good to get back on the healthy eating bandwagon again. I bought a jamon but I am now limiting myself to eating it once a day and I have covered it with the bog it came in so it isn't so accessible all the time.

Today, after school, there is a long long list of things to do. Just contacted Zoe about the Write Club. And then there is a meeting for baptism, which is this weekend. I think we can all go to Ma's house after the baptism. I'll cook lunch. It will be a simple meal. Vegetarian curry or something. Yeah. Just a simple thing. Right, Time to start some writing.

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