#15.20 - Taking our times

Meow

It was a very chilled holiday. There is something I can't argue about. It is now taking me about a week to find the new rhythms of the week, especially since there are many new things which we have taken up. So, in addition to school and the new business, and all the other ADMIN stuff, there is also a new course I have done on the anthroposophical perspective of light and electricity and learning Irish! Then there is piano, writing, art and gardening. Plus housework. So that is house completely full.

The house of 2020 completely full. Plus I have to organise the trip to Florence for next year.

I have not blogged or written in my journal since school began. It is so tiring I don't know how I used to do it. I guess I was younger then?

In 2013, I asked for a quiet life. I purposely said, I have had enough of adventure. So I purposely had a very quiet life. I boring life was what I wanted. A life in which I went to work, did stuff, came home and just could not be bothered with much else. Of course if you are a teacher and mother life is never boring. It is enough, but there was no need to go out and poke the nests of hornets or climb mountains. Everything was enough, more than enough.

It seems like seven years of this is enough and now, I am starting a new cycle. I have observed for seven years, and now know which way is up. It is kinda hard to admit this, but there you have it. Also, my period, after I thought it had never wanted to go away, has now gone away. I had two periods once again in August and September and that was my last period. I am now well on my way to menopause. Do I feel different? I think I have far fewer mood swings. I am more in charge of my emotions and feelings. But is that old age? Also, when I look back at my menopause experience, I consider myself lucky. I actually found it very interesting - it was like an initiation, a rite of passage. I learnt so much about myself. I forgave myself more. I became very familiar once again with my body - it was like it was birthing a new self.

There were things which I found I had to deal with that the menopause brought up by way of the hot flushes and I have to say, when I look back, I think that maybe I could have done better. But hey, look, I am here, I am here and I did it without doctors, HRT, medication, anti-depressants, pissing other people off big time. I think I did pretty ok all considered.

Of course I didn't do this alone - I had help from my mom, my friends, my sons, my colleagues. They kept me rooted. I finished with my attempts at ever being able to pacify man children, and forged good relationships with men that I was able to relate to as friends. There is much to be thankful for as I look round.

So now reset for the rest of the year - the more general reset.

I am utterly utterly baffled by the entire inspection process. Why is it being made such a huge deal of? I know that we are different, but must we panic over why we are different? As the panic began to take me over I went back to my files and thought, hey, these aren't bad. I mean they are good - they help me be accountable to the parents and give be direction, but of course they are not anally retentive in detail. They are an aspiration, not a straight jacket and they are like a pattern given the possible threads and yarns given. I fashioned them never having taught a combined class OR having taught this combination of children, so it is a sketch, an idea. But as the process begins, it will be different. I will see how they learn. I will see the children, their likes and dislikes. I will see how much they are interested in something, or what else needs bolstering. I will piece together clues and then as the terms progress I will get a better idea and then the real weaving takes place. To do this, I do lesson plans daily. I don't fucking plan every single thing I do because I have learnt over the course of the years that if you do that, the lesson plan doesn't work. Plan every second and you end up with the lesson plan that is totally useless. You plan what you are going to cover, know why you want to do it, the vehicle you are going to use and then the activity. Often there are two activities, following the breathing in and out cycle, so there are usually four activities which are planned for - but I know myself this is overplanning. What happens is that usually we do one activity and the breathing out is break time. Literally. But then I have activities for the next day lined up - unless nothing worked, and then it doesn't work.

I remember going into my lesson at the start, having planned everything meticulously and then within less and a minute realised it wasn't going to work. But then having planned it, I was able to take the pieces and reconstruct them in a different way. That's life you know.

That is the art of being a teacher. I know that now.

And like any art, the more you practise, the better you get at it and there is nothing more important than your relationship with the children - which will always be a teacher, student relationship - but one infused with love and honesty. And that love and honesty goes both ways.

When I look back on my life, I realise that I did most of it alone in the sense that I never had anyone beside me. It was not my choice. But that's life. It is what life gave me. And I accept it wholeheartedly. Sure marriages and relationships, as I discovered, can be full of secrets, lies, violence and selfishness - it has bee such a relief to be free from that. If there is one thing I have learnt really well in a relationship is to hold on to yourself, that is all you have. And no matter what the bastard tells you, you never ever change. You never ever compromise who you are. Anyone who wants you to do that, who messes you around, is not worth having by your side.

So, I must now plan my week and my weekend. It is very busy. After I drop Oisin, I am going to clean the classroom. Then I'm heading to Ma's house to do some cleaning there - just basic tidying really, do some planning and then if I have time, filing and then looking at Elementals. After that lunch with Emma. Then back here. A quick nap. Housework. This evening it will be a combination of Elementals for a couple of hours and getting the baptism sorted.