#278 - Head down and walking

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I spent yesterday between getting orgnised and trying to understand which way is up. It has been a long week after the incident on Monday and for most of Tuesday I was crying. Still Wednesday whenever I thought about it and then after that... yesterday was about feeling hollow on the inside. 

But I also used most of yesterday to sort things out - to organise my emails and real mail and to sort out things with the divorce, so it's all coming along good. Still though the pain goes on - I'd imagine it is impossible to ever hope that Peter feels some kind of remorse or regret - being the person he is, because if he ever did feel that way we would not be here.

It does not matter - I must just turn a focus on my own rebuilding, one block at a time.

I have created order in my life, 
taking one room at a time. 

The 

cleared out draw,
organised shelf, 
swept front yard. 

Ordered.

In small doses, at regular intervals

One moment at a time

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LATER
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It says something that everytime I sit down to write or open my journal the words are absent. This has never happened to me. Maybe I have lost my confidence, maybe I am just too exhausted, too sad, maybe I am just in a phase. It is a weird strange phase though.

I wonder though, what does one do with personal attacks on you - public attacks on you. What does one do with that? I think it just has to fade over time.

I admit, I am not an easy person. I'm not. I question, I ask, I clarify, I push. But I am a good hearted person. I try my very very best to do what is good for everyone and then I try and enjoy what I do. So I worked in the school which paid badly, but I did it for my sons, and I did it for my family, and I did it because I believed in Steiner Education and then I did it because I thought it would be enjoyable. And it was. It WAS enjoyable. But at some stage it stopped being all of these things. 

Although I have to say that I have received nice emails from parents, etc. I do wonder if I will ever be able to feel the same way about the school ever.

I have tried my very very best but human institutions are simply just that - human institutions. Riddled with the stupidities and frailties of human beings. And it is tough - tough when you see that. 

Institutions and frailties. I think also I'm at the point of my life when I see things and see it dispassionately. I also feel like I'm at the cut the bullshit phase in my life - even more than before...

A history of my own journey...perhaps I need to write that to just be clear in my head about it all.

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