#275 - Easy does it
Every week I do the accounts. I literally count pennies and pences - I try my best to live within my means. It is a nice feeling to know that everything is sorted. I will never buy another plate again in my life. I will never have to buy clothes if I lose weight. I will never have to buy furniture. It is all that simple. Everything has been found all I need to do is look after it. It is a wonderful feeling. A feeling of completion and relief. Everything else I find in nature. The gold of sunsets and sunrises, the phenomenon of the skies, the grass growing beneath my feet, the insects flitting here and there, the laughter of friends.
And I feel like that with my life as well. All the big questions have been settled for me. In the past thirteen years - for the first ten, I spent my 40s doing a lot of questing work. I read a lot about the Holy Grail, I boned up on so much mythology. I read about sacred geometry, I looked into quality of number. In many ways, these were the last questions I had. I read quantum physics. I looked at astronomy - all as part of being a Class Teacher. I reveled. I did world history. It was wonderful.
It has also been wonderful having some expertise in piecing together the curriculum this time round as well. I have been so much better at it, and I can feel it. There is a deep deep sense of wonder. I never ever get jaded. I know things.
Then as the decade waned. my menopause came into view. It was terrible. I didn't realise how terrible menopause was until it was over. The mood swings, the exhaustion, the existential dread all coupled with having Peter in his horrendous usual self. The selfishness and callousness. I wonder what it's like now Peter to no longer have me to be horrible to? What is that like?
And now, the final chapter. As the menopause took over I could feel myself melting. Never again would I ever feel like this. I was like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis. My entire being was melted down and dissolved and I was being remade. What would emerge at the end of that was going to be impossible to know. I am still going through that reforming process now. But it feels good. Doing this on my terms. Doing this from ground I am familiar with.
This week I calculated I needed to spend around £25 on food and I have come in less than that. There is so much food in the house that I am going to be able to be just as easy going this week. That is food for myself and Ghin. It's pretty cool. We only need buy milk and things that go off - apart from that we are good. Yes and fruit. I will continue to organise the house - this has brought me no end of peace. Next week I do the dining room and the garage.
There isn't much in the dining room so I think that this is the week the garage will get sorted.
The foundations must be laid carefully. And then we will be able to get on with it.
Also next weekend I will reorganise the cupboard in the classroom. It really must be sorted. I didn't have a chance before school began. I could only do the classroom.
But time passes, I must start organising for the forest school and I want to sort out the droppy bit in the car as well. So here we go, another brand new day - oh yes and I must get back to morning running as well. Everything is coming together. Also in the future instead of watching Netflix, I will either do that and sew or read. I'm going through the Malay Annals and it is so fascinating reading this half myth. half history. It is positively pre medieval. Full of wonderful stories. A bit like between the Mythological cycle and the Saints cycle - sort of like the Ulster Cycle. A bit of both history and mythology. So interesting.
But just to end this - now the new journey is the journey to knowing. All the huge adventures - self inflicted - are over. I am sure I am going to go through shit, but I know it won't be my shit I will be dealing with - like the racist graffiti - it will be other people's shit, and that I can do. I have peeled away. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I have to tell you it is a feeling of intense liberation. It feels utterly wonderful. Now, now comes the moments of self realisation.
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