#272 - Striding on
Well, it is Friday - again. A week of moving swiftly and suddenly. I cleaned this kitchen - organised everything. Once again, I find that I have everything I need. If I only lost 15 kg I would fit into everything I have to wear. That will be my ambition to lose the weight. So I never have to buy another shred of clothing again.
Through the week, I have cleaned one part of the kitchen. Taking an hour or so everyday. Things have been repurposed, recycled - and reorganised. I changed the cupboard for the tea and coffee with the ingredients cupboard. The tea making area has been moved to the right and the broiler to the corner between the sink and the cooker. It makes sense. I have reorganised the drawers and now have more space. I reorganised the pots and pans. The baking cupboard and discovered I have a bakery's worth of flour to get through. I am have reorganised the cups and glasses - I have everything, absolutely everything I will ever need in this house. Weirdly the diswasher does not seem to be able to work now. I wonder what's happened to it. No matter. We are now completely content with everything.
I did not see to the divorce at all this week. I meant to - every single day - and ended up just being unable to get the printer working or seeing to Ghin or seeing to Forest School. I think I have a good rhythm going now - but I do think that we will be doing Forest School in Hillsbrough as well now. Bit by bit, we are building things up.
Things are always coming together then coming apart. But from this week I need to start baking again. It will be so nice. I will ask Ghin to bring all my cookbooks from the house.
Or maybe I'll stop by and get them tomorrow.
Also oyster sauce and hairbrush.
Bit by bit, things are coming together.
I spoke to Oisin today. I asked him to call me weekly. He told me he had more than enough money and he was thinking of joining the gym. He also told me he was working and partying hard. It sounds about right. He looked well. Bright and happy and getting on with it.
I was so happy for him
I hardly spent any money at all this week. I still have cash leftover from Forest School on Tuesday and yeah... it's good. Oh yes, the TV license, but that's ok.
Can't believe how peaceful and tranquil everything is. I think that next week I'm cleaning up the dining room.
For dinner I had a ham and cheese toastie. Simple things. For lunch I had a lamb steak. There is loads of food. I am not worried about going hungry as it were. Ghin will be here this weekend - hooray!
I will now organise the table - the dining table...
How our silent days pass us by. Each one, filled with the possibility of promise, and then like mist in the sun, dissolves and is gone. Each day I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to fulfill all the promises I make to myself and then, if I manage to do a third of what I said I would, I am happy.
For instance, today I thought I would start it with school - but that did not happen. instead, I made the best use of the day and cleaned this kitchen instead. Bringing order to years and years of medium chaos. And now I know every corner, ever part of this place. There is a kind of relief - the years have brought - relief.
What a beautiful autumn it is. The light is spectacular, just like it was last year. There seems to be an outbreath and I am not afraid of what's been going on. I have actually arrived at this sort of compromise with everything in my life. For instance, yesterday when Ciaran told me there was racist graffitti about me in the boys' toilets and the culprits were probably my former students, I was, thank god it was racist because, as I have always said to the boys if there is racism then it is about the other person, not me. I was strangely not upset at all. Honestly, after all the shit life has put me through, this is small potatoes.
It's hard to believe that Irish people are racist, but as I have always maintained, it is not about the people themselves, but the circumstances. It is like Singaporean who feel pushed out by foreigners. It is not a race thing but a class thing. Also racism was put to one side while they all beat each other up. Now that they are no longer doing that racism I suppose was the next thing.
There is a part of me which says - I don't care, I can't be bothered, but also a part of me which says, I do wonder what they are going to do about it? What ARE they going to do about it?
So, as the dust settles... it is only 8 pm here. Time means nothing to me really. It is a strange feeling to be floating above it. Today, today - I needed today. Things flow, things go... tides rise and fall. I have loved every minute today. Every minute of the solitude and healing. That's it, the healing which has flooded over me, seeped into me, made me feel whole once more. This is the reason I came to Ireland. The ghost of the self, drawing me in.
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