#285 - FREEDOM
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| My island - Ireland |
This week was really important - I made two decisions. The first decision was that no matter what I think about people I will never EVER let them get under by skin. This was impossible in the past, mostly because I was a shallow, annoying person. But now that I have made this decision, probably the most difficult quirk in my personality, or should I say terrible flaw, it is like being set free from a prison. I am ecstatic.
You can't piss me off any more, and YOU can't piss me off any more, and I like you, and I LOVE you, and I really do feel compassion for you. It doesn't mean I condone anything you say, or will stick around forever, but I am FREE OF YOU. It is true. My friend told me this, and partly it was... if I break it down... it was... the annoyance of someone else not seeing what they were doing that was wrong (this could be on both the macro OR micro scale), other people thinking that was ok (actually just trying to have an easy life), and no prospect of that person changing. It was awful.
I had built my own personal hell and it was really PETER who helped me in my final quest to be free of this. So yes, little things, little things. I am a bit ashamed at how awful I was in the last possibly 30 years, but so it goes. I can't take any of it back.
The second huge decision I made was to be happy in these dark times.
Why?
Well it goes like this. Over the past, again 30 years, I have always been in opposition to everything else. I think that ever since I could argue with my parents - so around the age of 20 or 21, I would have these excoriating fights with them - well mostly my dad. They were mostly fights about how unjust the world was, how awful the PAP was - even back then I was fighting.
This went on - I was angry about misogyny, angry about colonialism, about capitalism, about the destruction of the planet, about my own education - and because everyone thought it was alright, it was not ok. So I spent many years, I guess, being 'alternative'. Toiling the mines, being quite angry, being quite frustrated, being annoyed with people and the injustices, and the establishment. Just trying to subvert and dismantle it as best I could. Through anything I did. The only thing that was more important were my sons, my family and my friends. After that everything else was all about not taking part as much as I could.
This made for a very interesting journey. But this journey, I have decided, has to an end. Mostly because everything which I have been saying has come to pass and the mess I've been trying to rectify is now larger than ever. Am I beating myself up over my failure? Nope. How can I? I feel so sorry for Noam Chomsky. Imagine being him. Or Naomi Klein. The John the Baptists figures who tried to warn people - who were saying, stop this now. I watched this happen - actually since the early 20th century and if we think of Blake, even before then. From the start of the Industrial Revolution. And even before that. Human beings have had warnings over and over again.
And still we fucked it all up royally.
So now that the entire septic tank has hit the fan, there is no longer anytime to be miserable or depressed or upset. It is now time to roll up the fucking sleeves and get to work. To keep continue ploughing the furrow. Looking after people. Now more than ever what I do is not just relevant, but also good for me. I am now so glad I can look back on my life and go, actually, yes, no regrets. I chose wisely. I don't have to feel like a shitbag having known better and still looked the other way. It is the people who looked the other way - how do they justify themselves?
So those were the two huge decisions I made for my mental health this week - that I would not let people get under my skin and that I would be unfailingly positive. The first is harder than the second. For the second one, it has been easy - because it is like m prison sentence has ended and I can now walk free. For the first one, it is like I want to stay in prison. It is like i want to CONTINUE hating these people because it makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel justified. But it is also wrong. I cannot operate like that. It is so unhealthy. I must relinquish my sense of what is it? I can't decide what it is...
What is that feeling that I love which is also so awful? This wanting to hold on to someone else's ugliness and keep me there? It is just awful.
I feel so relieved though, like I have put things down so I can continue to journey.
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It has been an amazing week in school.
I have developed the shoots of a relationship with my class. Well I say THE class cos I don't really feel it is mine yet - but yes - I have developed this relationship with them. There is an increasing level of trust.
Like the last few minutes today was so calm and still. And they just have a deep sense of trust for me too. I am very lucky. And we did such wonderful work this week. Not as much as I would have liked, but you know, still amazing in its quality. We do such great work in the school. So I have had, I'd say, I've had a great week all round.
Today, after my run, I'm going to let me see... I'm going to hoover BEFORE breakfast and then do some laundry. Then after I send Ghin OR Oisin to wherever it is they are going I'm going to do my weekly planning as well as the budget. I think Saturday is the right day to do that.
Then I'm going to head to school to do my blackboard drawing and clean the classroom. It wasn't TOO BAD when I left it. Then this afternoon, or with whatever is left with the day, I'll do some gardening, piano and art. I really want to finish the corncrake.
So, that is my life. Just an exquisite, perfectly formed, quirky jewel of a life. I can see now I lack absolutely nothing. Thank you the universe.
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